Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’ve fallen in love with me… & the wife is angry!”

“HNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!” This is how YOU, mister, can also become a perfect man.

Narcissism is on the up these days. Why? Well, when you’ve got adoring fans ready to tell you how hot you look on social media, why shouldn’t you adore yourself mercilessly? Unfortunately, this craze has led to some horrendous things. Such as this man’s marriage collapsing due to his newfound love for himself. Cripes.

I Love Me

I'll get to the point. I'm a really good looking man and when I started using Instagram loads of birds were telling me just how hot I am. Because I am. I can't help but be attracted to myself. I mean... damn! Chiselled jawline, those 40 hours in a week in the gym make for a banging bod, and I have a really amazing personality, too. I mean I can crack a joke and make myself laugh! So, because I'm the perfect man, I've decided I no longer need a woman. I'm going to marry myself. The problem here is my wife is well pissed off. How should I handle that cow? Clive

Hi, Clive! As beautiful people ourselves here at Professional Moron, we know the burden you face. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, once had a dream where he won the Best Looking Human Being in History award.

In his speech, he thanked himself for being so stunning and lauded his superiority over the award ceremony attendees by stripping naked and doing 1,000 push ups. Many men and women fainted at his sheer magnificence. Despite this, he was put off from marrying himself due to anachronistic social stigmas and the complexities of the process. If you’re still after this life-changing move, however, follow our below guide.


The laws for marrying yourself are long and complex. You also need to consider your feelings and whether you’re ready for this lifelong commitment. Ask yourself the following most pertinent questions:

  • “Am I ready to marry me?”
  • “Will I accept my proposal?”
  • “How lavish should my wedding be?”
  • “Am I ready to be my own best man?”
  • “Am I really ready to settle down with myself and start my own family?”

If yes to all of the above, then it’s time to go and buy yourself an engagement ring. Spend at least £20,000 on this in order to convince yourself to marry you through a pointless display of money wasting.

You may get nervous before you propose to yourself, but have a shot off brandy beforehand. Then, get down on one knee in front of a mirror, get out your engagement ring, and say: “Clive… will I marry myself?” If you accept, then you’re all set. Congratulations! You can now either “bump off” your existing  wife, divorce her, or plead insanity at court so she’s forced to leave you.

Wedding Day – Laws, Rules, & Regs

Your friends and family may question your decision to marry yourself, but all you have to do is explain you’re the physical embodiment of perfection. They will, in most cases, agree. This leaves you free to plan your self-marriage.

Choose a beautiful location, such as at football stadium with a McDonald’s nearby, and plan your special day. At self-marriages, by law, you must be your own best man. You are also the groom. You must say your wedding vows to yourself, then repeat them again to ensure you agree. When the vicar says, “You are now free to kiss yourself” you then most grope yourself in public.

This is the most controversial element of self-marriages as with many local laws it can constitute a depraved act. As such, a police officer may arrest you the very moment after you have married yourself.

Keep this in mind, as it may spoil your special day if you have to spend your wedding night, and even honeymoon, in jail and facing lengthy prison time and a place on the sex offender’s register. Otherwise, we wish you a lifetime of happiness!


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