Are you a bloody sissy? Do you want to abscond social responsibilities such as politeness? Are you itching to throttle everyone in sight? Has biting your tongue become an artform? Well, we’re here to help you BREAK FREE of your snowflakery shell and become a horrible person. READY!? LET’S GET ANGRY!
Aggression is defined by acts of aggression. What you deem aggressive isn’t always universal, of course. For instance, in England drunken football riots are a mainstay in society. Not so in Barbados. So, let’s take a look at acts of aggression that are universal:
- Getting drunk and lobbing a pint glass at a police officer.
- Punching a waiter who asks for a tip.
- Punching a bus driver who expects you to pay a fare.
- Refusing to stand for an old lady on crowded public transport. Then punching her if she complains.
- Calling anyone you know a “fuddy duddy”.
- Punching your boss in the face.
- Punching yourself by accident.
As you can see, there’s a certain malignant form of physical malice in the above. You may find such acts reprehensible. Well, that’s because you’re a meek moron. Here’s how to embrace The Fist of Aggression – the principle that will turn you into a dangerously angry lunatic.
The Fist of Aggression
Our aggressive policy for a more aggressive you is the Fist of Aggression. Its principle tenets are driven by facts, evidence, logic, and wild conjecture. Our policy statement runs as follows – adhere to it closely, fellow angry person, to personify your rage:
"The fist is not to be dissed. The punch is not a hunch. Anger is not slander (except when it is). Violence is not always an ambulance. No one ever completed anything with civility. Got a hunch? Take the punch. Been dissed? Make a fist. Want someone in an ambulance? Embrace violence! Now, go forth and be more than passive aggressive, you psythotic dribbling maniac!"
Repeat this at least 200 times until you have this legislation memorised. Then, head out into the world and continue as normal… until you run into, say, someone holding you up at the fast line checkout at the supermarket. What then!?
So, you’ve decided to have a temper tantrum? Good for you! It’s great to be in touch with your emotions, no matter how primitive they are. But! What course of action should you take against your emotional trigger assailant? Here are but a few suggestions. Choose wisely, angry person (as some may result in jail time):
- A punch to the face: The classic. Make a fist, take a slug, and hope for the best.
- A knee to the groin: The person you’re assaulting has to be a man for this to work. Annoyed by them? Knee to the groin. They drop like a stone. To add insult to injury, you can then stomp on their head until other people intervene.
- Dead elbow: Whallop the emotional assailant’s elbow, neutering that bit of their arm (and their elbow), ensuring you don’t get elbowed in the gut.
- Washing machine over the skull: You’ll have to carry a spare washing machine around with you at all times for this to work. But work it does. Like a treat!
- Whisk to the ear: Get out your whisk jam it to the person’s ear, and whisk like crazy. Or you can just batter the person with the whisk (no pun intended).
- Rude insults: “Stick and stones…” well, yes, you can throw some stones at a person. Real big ones that hurt big time. Whilst doing so, jeer at them insults such as “You… dickhead!” and watch them either cry, get angry, or pass out.
Ready for your course in the Fist of Aggression?! Get the first punch to the face free! From there on, it’s only £30 per day for aggressive advice in the heat of the moment. You can download our AngryApp and get real-time guidance on temper inducing incidents. Never leave a face unpunched again with our team of ultra-furious professionals!