At Professional Moron, we don’t condone violence. Well, not all of it. But sometimes a timely punch to the face is a timely thing to do. As such, today we’re taking a look at how to make a fist, slug it, and ensure the ensuing impact does maximum damage to your foe’s fizzog.
A Punch to the Face
Considering the array of weaponry available in the modern age, a punch to the face is a somewhat muted approach to extreme violence.
However, if you don’t have immediate access to the likes of a nuclear warhead, flamethrower, shotgun, or bazooka, then a punch could be the last resort that saves your life.
Due to this, it’s important you understand the art involved in planting your knuckles into someone’s grimacing mush. So, here’s your step by step guide.
Throwing a Punch: Version 2.0
First off, and not wishing to sound prejudiced, you’re going to need arms to complete this task. If you don’t have those, you’ll have to hire someone else to do the punching.
With arms, however, you’re all set. Thusly, follow the following steps to follow up on your desire to land a punch.
- Proclaim loudly in a fit of anger, “I am going to punch you in the face, you bastard!” This step isn’t mandatory – you don’t have to give away your plans. But we, being British, consider it polite to inform people of your intentions before acting on them.
- Clench your fist. It’s generally a good idea to have the thumb on the outside of your clench. Do not – note, DO NOT – leave your little finger sticking out. Failure to do so will result in a guaranteed, and agonising, pinky break.
- Work yourself up into a rage. Tremble noticeably, grit your teeth, and begin a slow grumble that manifests itself into a guttural roar.
- Position yourself correctly. Station yourself facing your punching victim – if you’re facing the other way, you’ll only hit thin air – and ensure they’re paying attention to you. If they’ve lost interest due to the above time-consuming points, you may need to remind them of your intentions. A polite recap will suffice. For example, “Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to acknowledge me? I am about to physically assault you.”
- Once the other person has agreed, take your swing. If you’re new to punching people in the face, you may miss on your first go. Don’t worry – simply repeat multiple times until one effort results in success.
- With your victim sprawling in dismay on the floor, loudly announce, “Now, let that be a lesson to you, vagabond!”
- Go to hospital and have your broken knuckles fixed.
Violence At Work
Do note that you should approach punching your colleagues more cautiously than with random weirdos in the street and/or family members.
But if you do need to punch one of your colleagues in the face, refer to the Punching Co-Workers in the Face Act 2010. Section 13 (A) indicates:
It is the employer's duty to ensure any employees under assault from one or more fists should receive some form of medical assistance after the physical act. This help may consist of: - The Heimlich manoeuvre. - Soothing platitudes (e.g. "I'm sure after extensive plastic surgery you'll look nice again!" etc.) - A plaster or two. - Bleach (for drinking and/or daubing open wounds). - Open heart surgery. - A reassuring pat on the back. - The afternoon off.
Do remember that any employees slumped unconscious on the floor represent a danger to your other staff members.
As such, you should endeavour to place the prone individual somewhere safe so as to create a cessation on tripping opportunities. Our suggestion is the office roof – no one ever goes up there.
Finally, we wish you the very best of luck with all of your future punch-based activities.
As a coda to this piece, we believe it wise to offer an apology in the event of an accidental assault.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than accidentally knocking someone out cold! So, it’s useful to have an excuse/scapegoat ready to use with wild abandon. Here are our suggestions:
- “I’m sorry. Get well soon. Bye!”
- “The janitor did it.”
Of course, you can also deny any responsibility and do a runner. However, do note that CCTV is commonplace these days and it’s possible your act was caught on camera.
If this is the case, at the subsequent trial you can either claim you were sleepwalking or plead insanity. Both excellent options that can ensure a shorter spell in jail.