As some of our readers already know (through telepathy), we’re in America for a bit. Vermont, to be precise.

Oft voted America’s Ugliest State, we must admit that confuses us so. It’s far from horrific. Quite the opposite! Let us have a gander. And let us report our findings in the form of dreaded Brits abroad. Whoo! Yeah! USA! USA! USA!

Vermont

Our tour guide (a human female wielding a shotgun and bazooka) took us through Vermont pinpointing various sights and local history. But what’s obvious about the state is there are (and is) a lot of:

• Trees.
• Open rolling roads.
• Snow.
• Birds.
• Squirrels.
• American accents.

We were warned of potential culture shock (we’re from Manchester, England – there’s a Manchester in Vermont, just to mess with our brains further) but that’s not really emerged.

Although it’s a very different way of life to England, where huge cities and chronic overpopulation are the rule of the land, in Vermont everything is much more sparse.

With a population just over 650,000 this makes for a rather serene sense of space and solitude. Although there are still cities such as Burlington, Newport, and Montpelier (the capital).

Dotted amongst this lot are very pretty little towns and villages, such as St. Albans, where small local businesses appear to do rather well for themselves. Although you’ll still come across the ubiquitous Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s. Because strong coffee is good.

Jet lag was our enemy for the first three days, with stiff upper lip seeing us through quite nicely. Ish. We did cry a few times, though.

Anyway, this was just an introductory piece we put together whilst our brains were like jelly. More will follow.

Travellin’ To ‘Murricah

Finally, a few notes on what to do if you’d like to travel to America – particularly if you’re heading to rural Vermont.

You’ll need a passport (duh), you’ll need to be alive (duh), and you’ll need to pick up an online ESTA (visa waiver, if you’re part of the select countries that America accepts it from).

You’ll also need to go to the right airport – Burlington International Airport (BTV). But you can go wherever you want. Like to Wankers Corner in Clackamas County, Oregon – highly recommended! Or, you know, Alaska or something.

But if it’s Vermont, BTV is a diddy wee airport so only smaller jets called American Eagles make their way out there. Although the trip offers some amazing views, you’ll be jammed into a baked beans can and almost able to stare right up your fellow passenger’s noses.

Anyway, once you arrive in America expect a stressful time of it going through the security checks and customs. We had a particularly uptight customs officer who told us to “Okay… back off” and “lose the hat” as we dared to place our passport and customs form over his little counter before him in an attempt to save him some time.

After he tried to take us down a few pegs, we told him to “Stuff it up your American arse!” – we spent the night in jail.

After that it’s security. You’ll be frisked thoroughly. All your fancy Marie Kondo carry on suitcase packing will go out of the window.

But our advice is to be patient and behave yourself, be polite, and you’ll turn up out into the US of A and go and get a vegan burger and stuff it into a coffee mug with avocados overpouring out of it. ‘Murricah sure is swell.