Exclusive Invention: The Potato Bed (better than a water bed)


Got some spare potatoes? Missing a bed? Well, our latest invention is absolutely ideal for you – it’s the potato bed! It’s pretty much as simple as it sounds. It’s a bed packed out with potatoes. A great night’s sleep is utterly guaranteed, or you money back*!

*You only get your money back if you can prove you had a bad night’s sleep. You’ll need to provide blood and stool samples, plus a documented medical history indicating you do not – nor ever have – suffered from insomnia. 

The Potato Bed

It’s pretty straightforward, this thing. The traditional mattress is jammed out with potatoes (but no jam). The pillows are also slammed out with potatoes. Finally, the duvet is filled with potatoes.

As you can tell, there’s a type of potato theme going on here. But it is called the potato bed – no good calling it that if you’re then going to fill it with houmous. False advertising, you know?

All we can say is if you really love potatoes, then this SOB is for you. If you eat, live, and breathe with spuds, then you should just go ahead and sleep with them, too.

Granted, skinny people are weighed down under the weight of the equivalent of 10 sacks of potatoes under their duvet (which can lead to limb crushing or death by asphyxiation), but that’s a small price to play for the magnifence of your slumber.

Indeed, the bed costs a mere $3,000 and boasts organic grown spuds (with their peel on – there’s a no-peel version that’s $10,000. The price hike is due to the manual labour of peeling all the damn things). Purcahse today!

Mashed Potato Bed

For those of you precious snowflakes out there who can’t hack the idea of being weighed down under a mass of solid spuds, then there’s also the mashed potato bed.

This is much the same as the potato bed. The difference is everything is mashed and then injected into the duvet and mattress. More comfortable? Yes. Does that make you a snowflake? Yes.

A more salubrious slumber aside, do note after several months the mashed potato bed will begin to fester with mould and kick up an unholy stench.

At that point, you can either empty it out, mash 1,000 of the things yourself, and then insert them back into the bed… or you can just lie there breathing in the mould fumes from the old potatoes.

Of course, your home will also be overcome with rats interested in the stench of mould and potatoes. Do not fear the rats. Invite them into your bed for company and relax as they scramble frantically all over you in their lust to consume mash.

Potato Soup Bed

Finally, there’s also this soupy version of the bed. This is for anyone who wants to have a water bed type thing, but if you don’t have access to any water then you can turn to soup.

It doesn’t have to be potato soup, of course, you can go for whatever the hell you fancy. Tomatoes, for instance. Other common soups such as… marmite?

Whatever, we’re getting a bit bored of explaining this to you now. If you want the product just bloody well buy it, yeah? Any complaints? Sleep on it! After a night in a potato bed (any variety) you’ll be positively tater (tired)… okay, that was shite.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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