Crocodile Dundee: “You call that a knife?” Quote Off Extravaganza!

Crocodile Dundee
You call that a poster?

In 1986, a moronic action comedy film starring Paul Hogan was an inexplicable success. Crocodile Dundee is a macho romp with macho men doing stuff… we haven’t watched it in ages, so can’t really remember what happens.

But what we do know is there’s a magnificent one-liner in it. One that transcends generations. But what if Hulk Hogan forgot his line for something better?

You call that a knife?

The original in all its glory. It’s you call that a knife, but in glorious 1080p – better than 1079p, as we all know.

By the way, we realise he doesn’t actually say: “You call that a knife?” But it’s become a popular mis-quote. And, frankly, one that made it a lot easier to write this piece. So there.

You, call that a knife?

A knife being held dangerously

Here Dundee grabs, like, a potato or something. Then demands his victim calls it a knife, defying logic and reality as we know it. Later, Dundee returns to the insane asylum.

You call that true to life?

You call that a knife?

Crocodile Dundee is not true to life, no.

You call that a shelf life?

A knife being held dangerously

Well, we mean, if it’s like potatoes or something then they have a pretty decent shelf life. Even if those strange nobbly growths come out of them, they’re still edible. So no need to complain, man.

You call bath mats a knife?

You call that a knife?

No. No, we do not you weird hat sporting, knife-wielding lunatic, you.

You call that Half-Life?

A knife being held dangerously

No, because Half-Life 2 is so much better. Half-Life was a landmark FPS in 1998, but Valve’s sequel more than built on its predecessor.

You hullabaloo that a knife?

You call that a knife?

What?! Crocodile Dundee… have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?

You call that the elixir of life?

A knife being held dangerously

What, this cucumber sandwich we’ve ordered? We suppose so, yes, it’s got brown bread, houmous, and it’s really going to be tasty. So long as there’s no mould on it.

You call that a purple loosestrife?

You call that a knife?

Not really, no. We had to Google that and, apparently, it’s a flower. Have you gone all flower power on us, Dundee? You bloody hippy!

You call that eternal life?

A knife being held dangerously

What, this pot of tea we’re brewing? Look, you Aussies won’t ever be able to understand our British ways. So don’t even try it, Hulk Hogan.

You ever call a knife?

You call that a knife?

Never in our lives have we needed to make a phone call to a piece of cutlery. Stop being stupid.

Ooh, call that a knife?

A knife being held dangerously

A mild variation on the original quote. We’re guessing this was the camp version of the film they were hoping for.

You propylene glycol that a knife?

You call that a knife?

No, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) calls it a toxic substance. Probably not a good idea to use it on a knife. Especially if you’re a chef.

Moo, cannonball that knife!

A knife being held dangerously

After a glass of shandy, Crocodile Dundee becomes a more unstable individual.

Let’s play volleyball with a knife!

You call that a knife?

Aussie grit has its limits, Hulk Hogan! We’ll stick with the more traditional block of cement.

And finally…

You call that a wife?

A knife being held dangerously

Well, it was the sexist ’80s after all. But you can’t call it a wife if it’s a husband. Or if you’re not married. So you can respond with, “No, it’s just my boyfriend.” And Crocodile Dundee would go, “G’day, mate!” And then you’d ride off into the knife-ridden sunset.

7 comments

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.