In 1986, a moronic action comedy film starring Paul Hogan was an inexplicable success. Crocodile Dundee is a macho romp with macho men doing stuff… we haven’t watched it in ages, so can’t really remember what happens.
But what we do know is there’s a magnificent one-liner in it. One that transcends generations. But what if Hulk Hogan forgot his line for something better?
You call that a knife?
The original in all its glory. It’s you call that a knife, but in glorious 1080p – better than 1079p, as we all know.
By the way, we realise he doesn’t actually say: “You call that a knife?” But it’s become a popular mis-quote. And, frankly, one that made it a lot easier to write this piece. So there.
You, call that a knife?
Here Dundee grabs, like, a potato or something. Then demands his victim calls it a knife, defying logic and reality as we know it. Later, Dundee returns to the insane asylum.
You call that true to life?
Crocodile Dundee is not true to life, no.
You call that a shelf life?
Well, we mean, if it’s like potatoes or something then they have a pretty decent shelf life. Even if those strange nobbly growths come out of them, they’re still edible. So no need to complain, man.
You call bath mats a knife?
No. No, we do not you weird hat sporting, knife-wielding lunatic, you.
You call that Half-Life?
No, because Half-Life 2 is so much better. Half-Life was a landmark FPS in 1998, but Valve’s sequel more than built on its predecessor.
You hullabaloo that a knife?
What?! Crocodile Dundee… have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?
You call that the elixir of life?
What, this cucumber sandwich we’ve ordered? We suppose so, yes, it’s got brown bread, houmous, and it’s really going to be tasty. So long as there’s no mould on it.
You call that a purple loosestrife?
Not really, no. We had to Google that and, apparently, it’s a flower. Have you gone all flower power on us, Dundee? You bloody hippy!
You call that eternal life?
What, this pot of tea we’re brewing? Look, you Aussies won’t ever be able to understand our British ways. So don’t even try it, Hulk Hogan.
You ever call a knife?
Never in our lives have we needed to make a phone call to a piece of cutlery. Stop being stupid.
Ooh, call that a knife?
A mild variation on the original quote. We’re guessing this was the camp version of the film they were hoping for.
You propylene glycol that a knife?
No, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) calls it a toxic substance. Probably not a good idea to use it on a knife. Especially if you’re a chef.
Moo, cannonball that knife!
After a glass of shandy, Crocodile Dundee becomes a more unstable individual.
Let’s play volleyball with a knife!
Aussie grit has its limits, Hulk Hogan! We’ll stick with the more traditional block of cement.
You call that a wife?
Well, it was the sexist ’80s after all. But you can’t call it a wife if it’s a husband. Or if you’re not married. So you can respond with, “No, it’s just my boyfriend.” And Crocodile Dundee would go, “G’day, mate!” And then you’d ride off into the knife-ridden sunset.