Exclusive Invention: The Cake Car (better than a normal car)

A cake with strawberries
What gear do you stick that in?

You drive a car. It’s a nice car. It has gears. It has levers. There’s a thing at the front called a steering wheel! But did you ever wonder about the concept of a car that has a more car-based potential?

Of course not, because you’re stupid! But thanks to our patented cake car, you can now have your cake… and drive it! That’s until the suspension collapses and you die a horrible death (as we’re legally obliged to inform you).

The Cake Car

Cake isn’t all about shredded limbs and broken bones. No, it’s a joyous occasion to happily head yourself towards diabetes. Yum, yum, yum.

This is why we went ahead and designed this thing, although a stumbling block was a manufacturer. Who does one turn to for such a thing?

Although we requested Ferrari, Mercedes, For, Microsoft, Apple, Facebook, Berkshire Hathaway, Amazon, Pot Noodle, and the Conservative party of England for a contract, only Ferrari told us to go away. The rest ignored us.

And why? Is that because cake doesn’t… hang on (*sneezes violently and wipes muck off the laptop screen*)… sorry about that. Well, anyway, eventually we commissioned the project to a bunch of local college students.

We gave them £100 and they built the world’s first cake car! There’s only one available, but with your back there’s the chance these things will be clogging intersections of cities the world over before 2019 is out.

Cake Cars Specs and Dimensions

Every element of the cake car is made of cake. The engine is fuelled by whipped cream and icing, plus petrol and uranium for extra cake power.

After that, we have a car sculpted as a giant cake. But with aerodynamics in mind, as there’s a sleek hood and roof combo to ensure speeds above 20mph don’t result in the vehicle disintegrating.

Unfortunately, the car isn’t edible as the local insect population will find the vehicle quite irresistible. We found the pleasant pink colour was soon destroyed by the swarms of blue bottles and wasps that descended upon, and got stuck in, the cake car icing.

As such, our vehicle was soon overburdened with insects. To overcome this, the cake car owner must at all times have a fly spray or fly swat upon their person.

Whilst it makes for an unusual sight as a cake car owner hurtles down a road, spraying a can of fly spray out of a window before swatting away wasps with their spare arm (all the while steering with their knees), we can assure you this is perfectly safe*.

Away from that, the vehicle accelerates from 0 to 50 mph in three minutes. There’s no power steering and the gear stick is a spatula. Additionally, the brake pedal has a habit of “going long” as it’s made out of meringue.

Book yours today! The first 50 orders will receive a free muffin, baked by the Professional Moron team using leftovers from our black market batch of uranium!

*So long as you don’t ingest any of the fly spray or crash whilst engaging in any of the aforementioned activities. 


  1. This sounds delicious. Those bugger insects would have a fight on their… whatever they have, I doubt I would make it to my destination without some serious nibbling on that vehicle leaving me at the mercy of Uber.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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