Great Musicians That Never Were: Yoko Bono

Bono singing
Yoko Bono having crafted a type of mini spaceship. Good work! B+

Our proposed hybrid of artist and unofficial Beatle Yoko Ono with U2 frontman Bono will create the creative genius Yoko Bono.

This monstrosity will possess a good voice and be capable of performing artistic feats on-stage whilst singing and dancing.

We’re pleading to overly privileged people to fund this project and do something other than hoarding wealth you’ve lucked into. Bono and Ono have already declined to participate with this endeavour.

Yoko Bono

Our plan is to use genetic engineering to create this individual, who’ll be part-male, part-female, and part-sledge hammer (this device will protrude from the creation at a weird angle for artistic effect).

We’ll require either blood samples or hair clippings from two creatives, which shall then be processed through Professional Moron R&D. Over several months, Yoko Bono will grow within our bathtub into a full adult.

The following six months will consist of artistic training, where the genetic experiment will get to grips with the fundamentals of art (i.e. holding a paintbrush, affecting a pretentious air, and postulating about hidden meanings within pieces such as “The Turnip Picture”) , whilst simultaneously mastering hit singles such as With Or Without You, Sunday Bloody Sunday, and Agadoo.

This intensive period should take six months. If all goes according to plan (i.e. Yoko Bono doesn’t spontaneously combust, implode, or turn out to be a rubbish singer) we expect the hybrid to be touring as soon as summer 2020.

The Yoko Bono 2020 Tour (ft. Chaz and Dave, The Wurzels, Black Lace, Nickelback, and The Seekers)

The tour will begin in Bolton of Greater Manchester and will steadily ambulate through the Lancashire region (Bury, Blackburn, Burnley, Blackrod etc.) before culminating in Manchester city centre for a total bloody rave of epic proportions.

There, battle-hardened, working-class Mancs (i.e. the inferior people) will revel to the harmonies of Georgy Girl from The Seekers. Then onto the stage will come Yoko Bono.

Dodging the beer bottles being pelted at it, Yoko Bono will provide an exemplary performance including interpretive dance, yodelling, a rap version of I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (Mofo), and public executions via guillotine.

The event will conclude with an ecstasy-fuelled rave until 7 am (or when everyone is arrested).

Post-Tour

After the tour, Yoko Bono will release a debut studio album titled Oh No! It’s Yoko Bono. It’ll be a critical dud and a commercial disaster.

Subsequent albums will be every bit as disastrous: Yoko Bono & The Kimono, Yoko Bono The Homo (deemed deeply homophobic even by the far right), Yoko Bonobo, and Just By My Album, You Heartless Bastards!

Due to being rubbish at everything, Yoko Bono will retire to become a shelf stacker in Bolton of Greater Manchester, where instant korma is readily available.

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