Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m in love with my right foot. How do I marry it?”

Two feet
What a dreamboat!

Narcissism is very real, but what happens if you fall in love with one of your body parts? Can you, for example, marry your shins? Today we debate the living daylights out of this unique topic with a lovelorn human male.

My Right Foot

Hey guys, I'm Barry. I've been married for 20 year and the wife is nice enough. But I were looking at me right foot recently and... I dunno why, I can't explain it, but I fell head over heels for the bloody thing. 

It's not the nicest foot out there. A bit wrinkly. Smells bad. I had a batch of athlete's foot recently. The toenails are all manky and gross. 

But **** me, whenever I look at the thing I forget all about me wife and four kids. That foot is special and makes me feel all funny inside. And I wanna marry it! What should I do? Barry

Hi, Barry! First of all, we recommend you make sure the foot is making you “feel all funny inside” for the right reasons.

Ensure it’s not a spell of intense nausea due to how repulsive your right foot is (as it sure sounds grotesque).

Next, take a look at “the wife’s” right foot. Be sure you’re not going through foot envy – if her’s is nicer than yours then you’re already married to it and you just need to get over yourself.

Finally, ensure you’ve not had a stroke and started liking your disgusting foot out of some sort of neurological collapse.

Only then, once certain, can you move towards marriage arrangements. Divorce your wife immediately using one of the following excuses:

  • “I’m in love with my foot.”
  • “My foot is in love with me.”
  • “You’re horrible and I’ve had enough of you.”

Marrying Your Foot

First off, you need to buy an engagement ring. Then you’ll have to propose – as you lean down to get at the body part, be sure not to cause yourself a hernia through the strain. That could delay your marriage plans.

If you achieve the lean hernia-free, then you can ask for your foot’s big toe in marriage: “Right foot… will you marry me?”

Should it say, “Yes!”, cancel all plans immediately – you’ve got a talking foot! Get on national television and exploit that for all it’s worth.

If the foot doesn’t respond (as they’re not famed for their verbal attributes), you can safely assume it’s accepted and stick the ring on the big toe bit. Or the pinky, should you be feeling crazy.

After that it’s all about the wedding arrangements and your special day. Here are some of our suggestions:

  • Prepare a bouquet of feet for guests to catch.
  • Order everyone to wear sandals.
  • Have liberal use of scented candles to remove foot stench wherever possible.
  • Get the whole bloody day over with ASAP so everyone can move on with their lives, you freak of nature.

We wish you the very best with your weird endeavour.

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