The Boring Post

Grey windowsills
Boring.

We decided to be boring today. Boring is as boring bores. And that’s the aim.

If you’ve got a problem with that, go and read one of our less boring posts. There are at least three of them.

But boring is important. It ensures we understand what not boring (i.e. excitement and general merriment) is. It’s about the opposite of boredom.

Unfortunately, boredome (a dome where we can keep boredom in) doesn’t exist. Instead, there’s a malingering sense of, “Muh…” Shrug your shoulders, eat a biscuit, and stare at your TV watching boring soap operas.

Boredom: A Haiku

Here’s a poem about what it is to be boring. We feel this is important to establish the difference between… *deep sigh* stimulating things like puppies and moribund things like concrete.

Staring into the middle-distance. 

There is something dull. 

Unfortunately, it’s not a human skull.

This is an example of something that is boring, and yet not as well. For if you stare into the middle-distance, you’re usually a bit bored.

But if there’s a skull there, that’s riveting. It suggests much chaos and carnage – how did it end up there? Who was its owner? What life did they lead?

If you wander on over and find the dull thing to just be an old crisp packet, then that’s just a bit boring.

How To Not Be Boring

As humans, we tend to strive to not be boring. We don’t always succeed. If you’re struggling, then you’re in luck!

We’ve provided a non-boring list of things below. Use this liberally to be an exciting individual.

  • Take a lot of drugs: This will make you largely enthralling, plus a liability. That means there’ll never be a dull moment.
  • Eradicate boredom: If you can make boring stuff extinct, then humanity is sorted. Step one is to compile a list of everything boring ever. Obviously, subjectivity is an issue here – try to remain impartial. Things such as War and Peace will have to remain off the list. But once you’re done, use your patended Boredom Gun to annihilate the dull.
  • Cake: Bake many of these.
  • Sheds: Blow any of them up on sight. Get a bazooka for this task.
  • Have lots of bazookas: The more bazooks a person owns, the less boring they are. Fact.
  • Lie: Exaggerate wildly about things. Did you climb Mount Everest in only a pair of pink speedos? Of course you did! And if you ply folks with enough alcohol, they’ll believe you too.
  • Utilise Mount Everest: Of course, you could just go ahead and climb it anyway. It’s a tad de rigueur these days.
  • Get rich: Wealthy people aren’t boring at all. Get money and then rant about your obvious superiority. That’s not dull, it’s just highly obnoxious – that’s stimulation?
  • Play the drums: This thrilling activity is made all the more thrilling if you’re on fire whilst doing so.
  • Set fire to everything: Got another boring meeting ahead? If you, your line manager, and CEO are all on fire then that’s going to make things thrill a minute.
  • Great white sharks: Find one. Hang out with it.

19 comments

    • “I never climbed Mount Everest in a pair of pink speedos.” – Pansy! In England we’re made of sterner stuff than that, sir. Why, I manage it once a year as a rites of passage for British bravery.

      Like

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