At Lovely Linda’s Lovely Card Company Ltd., we sell the most lovely cards. Be it birthday, wedding, horrifying accident, or alien invasion… pop on down to our store (or order online) for the loveliest cards since sliced bread.
Linda’s Lovely Range of Card Messages
Maybe you’ve got a special occasion. Perhaps you’ve finally divorced that scumbag of a husband who’s plagued your life. Or maybe you’re just in a funny mood.
Whatever your need, we’ve got it. Check out some of these fantabulous messages you can get on YOUR cards:
- Hope you don’t have a horrible car accident
- Don’t worry, it’s probably not rabies!
- I AM SO UTTERLY SICK OF THE SIGHT OF YOU!!!
- This card is here to remind you you’re a bastard
- I’d say “happy birthday” but I really don’t mean it
- I laugh at your pathetic mediocrity as a human being
- I’m rich, you’re poor, hahahahahaha!
- So you’re going bald? Yes, you look like a monster!
- Yes, you do look fat in that dress (so stop wearing it)
- Please STOP nagging me, you daft woman!
- STOP LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP, DEAR!
- I’ve got a clenched FIST and it’s got your name on it!
- You smell real bad, please update your cleanliness regime
- I don’t like you
- I hate you
- You’re a bastard
- You are a wanker
- I HOPE YOU GET RABIES
- DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEE!!!!
Some of our customers have complained that our cards aren’t quite as “lovely” in their messaging as they were expecting.
To comprehend Lovely Linda’s cards, you must first comprehend her life story. This will enlighten you on the nature of her mindset and company mission (and hopefully stop your tedious complaining).
The Lovely Linda’s Lovely Cards Story
Lovely Linda is famed across the land for her overall loveliness. In 1977, she won The Loveliest Person in Rochdale award and hasn’t looked back since!
But after decades of cleaning public lavatories with her bare hands, Lovely Linda had had enough of scrubbing up effluence and the puke of drunks. She wanted to branch out and bring her sense of lovely to the masses. Lovely Linda says:
“There’s only so many times you can scrub the men’s toilets clean before you start suffering from really serious mental disorders. And after four bastard decades of it… FOUR BASTARD DECADES… I’d had enough. After bludgeoning my husband to death by accident with a frying pan (and I was exonerated after a five year court case), I decided it was time to put my fraught state of mind to good use. In a really pleasant way. No more murdering from me, I assure our my customers! Just vengeful bitterness and ire directed at the world in the form of sweet and innocuous greetings cards.”
Lovely Linda’s Lovely Card Company Ltd. was born in 2017 as an online shop.
It quickly earned the attention of local law enforcement, with Lovely Linda questioned about the “violent” and “malicious” nature of the cards. Linda denies such accusations. She states:
“The cards are lovely. Anyone who says they aren’t is a stain on humanity!”
Lovely Linda subsequently introduced the following card range, primarily aimed at jilted lovers and/or bitter morons:
“YOU’RE A STAIN ON HUMANITY!”
Buy the cards today! Hand them over to loved ones or people you really, really, really want to know what you secretly feel about them.
Because being lovely is about being a nasty son of a bitch, too.