There are few acts more disruptive to a working environment than an employee blowing his or her nose. The loud trumpeting noise instils feelings of revulsion for all around the offender.

As such, it’s good business practice for you to establish a clear policy on how (and when) employees can blow their noses at work.

Employment Laws Regarding Blowing Noses at Work

The Nose Blowing at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. In section 37 (a) on page 43,125 the Act states:

“While it is essential for employees to work with clear nasal passages, to obtain this state of affairs must reach the completion in a satisfactory manner. To whit—no nose blowing. This is an issue due to it being:

a) Disgusting.

b) Brutish and rude.

c) The behaviour of uncivilized savages.

Kindly remind your employees they are not cavemen in the Palaeolithic period. They are skilled professionals. As such, abstaining from nose blowing (particularly in front of easily disgusted colleagues) is essential.”

Refer to the flicking bogeys at work guide to understand the flip side of this debate. As employees must not pick their noses at work. Nor should they really be blowing their noses. It is best to strike a balance between:

• Having employees with noses clogged with snot.
• Having employees with noses not clogged with snot

But you must make it clear it’s strictly forbidden (under international law) for employees to blow their noses into a tissue (or handkerchief) and then look into the aforementioned tissue (or handkerchief) to inspect the results.

Such behaviour is very illegal.

Maintain a draconian policy banning such practices, whilst outlining your guidelines to allow employees to get all the gunk out of their nostrils without breaching international law.

How Employees Can Get All the Gunk Out of Their Nostrils Without Breaching International Law

Your workforce will no doubt be wondering about the best practices when extracting mucus from their honkers.

You’ll need an official training day to manage the professional development each and every staff member requires. Bill this as the Blowing Your Nose Effectively and Productively day. A company-wide email will address the matter. Write it as follows:

Dear all,

On [time] of [date] of [month] of [year] of [century], there shall commence a Blowing Your Nose Effectively and Productively session in the room adjacent to the lavatories in the lobby.

Attendance is mandatory. Failure to attend will result in a public mauling by the company rottweiler.

This session will answer ongoing concerns regarding staff blowing their noses at work. After attending this session, you will be clear on the correct course of action to take regarding anything you should find lodged up your nostrils.

Yours sincerely,

[CEO name, title, and annual salary so as to mock the pathetic, inferior income of the pathetic, inferior underlings you employ during this cost of living crisis]

Upon commencement of the session, you’ll need to demonstrate the correct practice of extracting objects from nostrils. This will demonstrate:

• Nose blowing is not the correct course of action.
• Picking at a nose with a stray finger is not the correct course of action.
• Asking a colleague to extract the snot is not the correct course of action.
• Stuffing the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner against the nostrils is not the correct course of action.

The correct course of action is to perform a farmer’s blow. This requires:

• Placing a finger onto the side of one nostril.
• Forcibly blowing out of the offending nostril, causing mucus to fly all over the place with wild abandon.

Farmer’s blow is the solution to your nose blowing crisis.

Once skilled with this skill, employees can traverse your working environment performing farmer’s blow as and when they need to. Such as:

• During meetings.
• After meetings.
• Just before meetings.
• In the canteen.
• When discussing projects with colleagues.
• At the water cooler.
• When chatting casually with a colleague.

The downside to this policy is your workplace will rapidly become covered in snot-based filth. Ensure you hire an extra janitor to clean up after everyone.

Advice Regarding Employees’ Noses and the Common Cold

The hellish nightmare that is the winter season will haunt every CEO’s every waking moment. Even with farmer’s blow, the sheer volume of snot flying everywhere will threaten the lives of everyone on your premises.

As such, it’s good business practice to instruct staff to farmer’s blow at a specific point on your premises.

A good example is to have a giant basin erected in your company lobby.

Once this item is installed (preferably in time for the winter season), staff members can alight to the basin when needed. And then farmer’s blow to their heart’s desire.

Again, instruct your janitors to keep a watchable eye on this basin. If left unattended, it could well overflow. Or, worse, implode through the sheer pressure of snot within. This could lead to a tidal wave of mucus flooding down your office corridors. The death toll could be off the charts.

Remind employees of the dangers of snot tsunamis in a company memo.