For the Whiplash drumming experience of the piano lesson world, sign on up to Angry Andrew’s Angry Piano Lessons Ltd.
Over the course of many delightful sessions with me (Andrew), a piano teaching legend with 35 years’ experience, you’ll learn the classics. From boogie-woogies to ABBA and then maybe even a little Chopsticks thrown into the mix.
Accompanying these sessions will be my charming teaching style, which involves constant, malicious, downright bloody nasty verbal harassment. It’ll really help you get into “the zone” while leaving you emotionally distraught for the rest of your days.
Pianos and Yelling: Learn the Classic to the Sounds of Shouting
Yes, I have major anger management problems. I’m not seeing anyone to alleviate this problem. Instead, I’m channelling my personality flaws to teach the less angry people of this world how to play the piano.
I consider my mission noble, true, and just.
Between bouts of bursting into tears and needing assistance to overcome mental trauma, you’ll also appreciate my style. Especially my renditions on many a popular classic:
- Beethoven’s Moonlight Son of a Bitch
- Debussy’s Clair de Lunatic
- Chopin’s Nocturne in E flat moron
- Bach’s The Bad Tempered Clavier
- Pachebel’s Canon in Dunce
For every missed note, or simply for being out of time, you’ll have me belabouring into your ear like a crazed madman.
I don’t take errors lightly and I’ll expect you, from your very first piano lesson, to be verging on a concert level pianist.
Do you want tinnitus, you son of a bitch!? Do you want my stinking man breath in your lungs as you try to play beautiful piano pieces?! Do you want to be in floods of tears before, during, and after your lessons with me?!
If so, then I charge a mere £50 a lesson. The verbal abuse is totally free but, please note, I won’t fund any counselling/psychiatric/medical assistance you require following on from my constant, relentless, red-faced yelling.
Angry Andrew’s Customer Testimonials
“Andrew is a bully and a bastard and I hate him. However, I did learn to play Chopsticks, which was a lifelong goal of mine. It’s just in the process of learning that I blew an eardrum, had a mental breakdown, and now I need to take happy pills to get me through the day. For £150 over three lessons, I’d say that’s a pretty solid deal.” Jeff
“What is this guy’s problem?! Yelling, shouting, bellowing… I thought the ‘Angry Andrew’ moniker was supposed to be a joke, but it turns out he’s just really, really angry. What’s happened to this guy for him to offload like this on innocent people wanting to learn the piano!? I informed the police about him, but then Andrew just blackmailed the police and he’s still at large, teaching the piano, being angry. I can’t say I recommend this because I burst into tears many times during my one and only lesson with Andrew. But… I did learn to play bits of a cool boogy-woogie and can impress my friends with it. Kind of worth the £50 I guess.” Jane
“I type this review from home before I commit myself to a mental institute. Angry Andrew broke me. However, from my cell in my straightjacket I will be humming the delights of Bach, Beethoven, and Burt Bacharach. Although I shall never see the light of day again.” Frank
“Angry Andrew is not only very angry, he’s also a prick.” Sally