Do you have hedges that need monitoring for subversive and non-hedge-like behaviour? Call Inspector Hedgehog! NOW!!

He’s an industry expert with two years’ hedge inspecting experience. His vast skill set includes (but isn’t limited to): inspecting hedges, snuffling, and waddling very slowly indeed.

Get your hedges inspected TODAY with a limited time offer of TWO hedge inspections for the price of ONE.

Inspector Hedgehog’s Inspection Services

Don’t be deceived by the, seemingly, innocuous antics of a hedge.

Appearances can be deceptive. Your average hedge isn’t just a line of carefully spaced shrubs planted to form a plant-based barrier across neighbouring regions. They may also contain or be in cahoots with:

• Communist spies
• Drunken football hooligans
• Lunatics
• Tramps
• Construction companies hellbent on bulldozing down YOUR property in the name of profits

Indeed, in 2022 it was estimated some 17% of UK hedges contained a drunken football hooligan passed out following a night of rampaging hooliganism. In most instances, the male offender was clutching to his chest a half-eaten Wigan kebab.

And yet you, homeowner, would be blissfully unaware of the danger lurking within your carefully cultivated hedge(s).

Can you deal with living in such terror of the unknown?!?

Of course you can’t! As such, you must call Inspector Hedgehog immediately. He’s a brave and heroic hedgehog who’ll nuzzle his way into any hedge with nary the faintest hint of fear. Rest assured, he’ll:

• Sniff out any hoodlum or commie residing in your garden.
• Make even the most anti-social of madmen scarper.
• Protect your hedges from lowlife scumbags.

And all it’ll cost you is £1,000 per hedge inspection. That is a bargain. Such a cheap service is essential in your life if you wish to keep your property free from nefarious sorts.

What price on protecting your family?

What price on ensuring your garden grows lush and uncompromised?

What price on keeping your hedges free from vermin?

Call Inspector Hedgehog TODAY and, guaranteed, he’ll waddle to your assistance within at least 13 months.

Regarding the Complaints of Inspector Hedgehog’s Response Times

Due to ongoing angry complaints from customers regarding Inspector Hedgehog’s slow arrival times, we must address these as follows.

He is a hedgehog. What do you expect?

These animals can only travel up to two miles (three kilometres) a day. Their speed capacity resides at a casual four miles per hour when running (for short bursts). Otherwise, they are not Sonic the Hedgehog. That character is an inaccurate representation of spiny mammals of this sort.

As such, please be patient when reporting your hedges for inspection.

Inspector Hedgehog’s response times vary wildly from one week to 13 months. We appreciate your hedge may no longer exist by the time the inspector arrives, but he’ll still be charging you for his services anyway.