News just in from Alien Abduction Watch! A species of horrifying aliens has invaded Earth due to its inexplicable intergalactic concerns about sausage dogs.

Tens of thousands of sausage dog owners have been abducted from really mean spirited aliens and have faced protracted interrogations regarding why humans have dogs called sausage dogs (and why the dogs look like that).

Meanwhile, the sausage dogs have been left to frolic with wild abandon back on Earth whilst their, respective, owners have faced nothing but sheer terror.

What is this? What does it all mean? Professional Moron has dug deep to interrogate on behalf of the good of humanity!

The Alien Abductees: Many Sausage Dog Owners and Several Journalists

Believing the sausage dogs to be in on this stuff, Professional Moron went out into the streets of Manchester, UK, to interview as many as possible.

Amongst the many responses of “woof” and much sniffing, our actions inadvertently alerted the invading aliens. The result?!

PROFESSIONAL MORON WAS (and were) ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!

All in the name of sausage dogs.

During our abduction and interrogation we were strapped into giant cylindrical seats and asked the following questions, verbatim:

• Are you a sausage dog?
• If you are not a sausage dog, what do you know about them (sausage dogs)?
• Are sausage dogs really just sausages?
• What makes sausage dogs tick?
• Do any sausage dogs run hotdog stands?
• Could you foresee a successful business venture where sausage dogs run a hotdog stand?
• Why are they called sausage dogs?
• Do you like sausages?
• Do you like vegan sausages?
• Can you foresee a successful business venture where sausage dogs run a vegan hotdog stand?

Those were the questions. Speaking with the aliens, who used a 20ft by 20ft translation machine to convert their slobbering alienese gibberish into English, we soon discerned they desire to open hotdog stands across the planet of Earth.

They also wish these hotdog stands to be manned (or “dogged”) by sausage dogs. As the lead alien, Emperor Fizzle Bottom III, explained to us:

“You humans will find this despicable plan FAR too cute to ignore and will flock to the sausage dog hotdog stands with wild abandon and there you will queue MOST PATIENTLY as you await your freshly cooked, low-quality meat produce to slake your hunger pangs and then hand over money to us that will eventually amount to ALL the world’s money and we shall divide and conquer from there!!

Hah. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAH! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! WAAHAHAHAHAHAA! MWAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAAH! HAH! Hah. Hoh.

Satisfied with our answers, the aliens provided all members of the Professional Moron team with a strawberry lollipop and then returned us to Earth.

Thus, it is clear. These evil, scheming bastards want to turn our beloved sausage dogs against us and then rule Earth with an iron fist.

This cannot be allowed to happen!

Type of Aliens

Psychologically speaking, they’re classic marauding planet conquering types. Physically speaking, they’re quite repugnant to behold.

They have a trapdoor for a mouth attached to a rotund 6ft frame of blue flesh. They look a bit like a small cow wearing a granddad jumper.

And the trapdoor mouth takes 35 seconds to open before they can begin speaking, which leads to this really awkward delay whilst you await their, typically, tyrannical invective.

We can’t say we found them to be:

• Charming
• Personable
• Likeable
• In tune with reality

As such, we see no other option than to blow them out of the sky (where their spaceship fleet currently resides in the Earth’s orbit).

To do this we will use the Earth’s combined total of 12,512 atom bombs.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Extreme. As dangerous as it gets. What type of sadistic evil would take the humble sausage dog and use it as a means to overthrow an entire planet?!

This is a level of abhorrent, downright rotten behaviour only the most shameful of knobheads would even contemplate.

Alien Abduction Experience

Despite the level of irrational rage we feel over our interrogation and questioning, we must say we were delighted to receive a free lollipop.

Strawberry lollipops are very popular in the Professional Moron office and we all really enjoyed those on our trip back to Earth.

So much so we even went out afterwards and bought a big bag of multi-flavoured lollipops from the local convenience store.

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Whilst we’re disgusted with the alien’s overall conduct and will promote their total destruction through nuclear warfare, we must say the lollipop thing was a really nice touch to the whole alien abduction experience.

As such, we propose the following measures:

• Global questioning of sausage dogs to ensure they’re not in on this.
  • Keep a close eye on their conduct. Suggest CCTV and a team of pugs to shadow their antics to ensure there’s no dodgy business.
• Get some business magnate to launch a sausage dog hotdog stand, thus beating the aliens to it and ruining their monopolising plans.
• Obliterate the aliens out of the sky with atom bombs.
• Enforce a vigorous lollipop consumption scheme for Earth’s citizens.

You, reader, can help immediately in our battle for survival by heading forth into the streets and buying lollipops in bulk.