Ug! Me Unkempt Ug and me basking in success of Unkempt Ug’s Kissogram Ltd. where me handsome caveman come smooch you on the lips plenty good but not strike you dead with mighty Ug club.
Now Ug expand business empire! Ug is uggerly raving insane to announce launch of Unkempt Ug Reads Audiobook Classics! UG! UG! UG!
Audiobook Classics as Read by an Uncultured Cavemen in Primitive English
If you like reading of “book” then this service is of many excellences!
Read with super sexy Ug caveman voice you listen to many classics and fall in love with Ug and order from Kissogram service, too, to make Ug even more stinking rich and me buy more clubs.
Just put headphones on, sit back, and Ug take you through classics:
- Moby-Dick
- The Bridges of Madison County
- Pride and Prejudice
- The Great Gatsby
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Animal Farm
- Anna Karenina
- Crime and Punishment
- Ulysses
- Don Quixote
- Grate Expectations (most excellent book Ug recommend)
All read in beautiful Ug caveman voice like this from George Orwell of Animal Farm a book Ug thinks is about pigs and mud:
“All man caves are equal, but some man caves are more equal than other man caves.”
Ug like that one! Ug have best man cave in all of Caveman Land and Ug MIGHTY proud of cave and Ug defends it with club smack to skull.
Ug also like this line:
“Four legs good, two legs bad.”
Ug spend MUCH time crawling about on four legs. Ug think two legs bad! So bad Ug use club to smack on skull and then other caveman on four legs too going, “Oh my head hurts!” hahahaha funny Ug.
Romance is also very Ug. Ug is very romantic me once drag rotting deer corpse 10 mile to impress woman but she REJECT offering because it “stink worse than Ug” and since Ug become committed alpha male ug.
But Ug will read romance fiction. This is extract of Ug reading 50 Shades of Grey:
“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”
Ug use that opportunity to put caveman number in audiobook so woman ring him up for date by lake one night with sabretooth tiger hunting and then marriage.
That also side hustle for Ug (sabretooth tiger hunting and marriage), but first you buy book, fall in love with Ug voice, and then marriage that night.
Customer Reviews of Unkempt Ug Reads Audiobook Classics
“I purchased Unkempt Ug’s reading of Pride and Prejudice and found his caveman talk style heavy going within the first 60 seconds. Worse still, every other couple of minutes Unkempt Ug will do something odd. Such as stop reading in order to punch one of his rival cavemen or to rush off and chase down a woolly mammoth.
It’s most disconcerting to be listening to a novel of manners, a classic no less than this, and to then hear the high-pitched shrieking of primitive man assaulting a pre-historic monstrisity.
That is not what Pride and Prejudice is about!
I came here for romance and high-society contemplations. Instead, there’s a hooligan engaging in barely coherent rambling. I am not impressed!” Margaret, Shropshire
“As a lifelong fan of Jane Austen and her classics of literature, I was delighted to pick up a new version of Emma in audiobook form. Imagine my DISGUST when this UNKEMPT UG (as he calls himself) begins the first 30 seconds by violently clearing his throat, hacking up spit, and gobbing on the floor while grunting and roaring ‘ME UG! ME UG! ME UG!’ over and over.
His reading of the work was no better, often engaging in guttural bellowing. I soon realised he was doing this to brush over his inability to comprehend the text, so instead listeners are left with not the romantic misadventures of the precocious Emma Woodhouse, but the manic ranting of a thug. I want my money back!” Charlotte, Southampton
“Got Unkempt Ug’s audiobook of Bukowki’s Post Office and gotta say it’s the best reading of this work imaginable! Barely makes any sense and Ug’s constant bellowing and burping noises make it a must-listen for any Bukowski fans. Five starts out of five, mate!” Kev, Manchester
“Out of confused interest I got an audiobook of Unkempt Ug’s reading of Where’s Wally? (or Waldo for US readers). Just to see what he’d do with that, because it’s a puzzle book and has no text. Ug spends the whole 60 minutes howling and trying to describe the double-page spread images, getting confused, and having a temper tantrum. You can hear him smashing his cavemen club against walls and the like. Very amusing to listen to, but I feel I didn’t learn anything.” Charles, London
