Ug! Me Ug. Me caveman. Ug have kissogram business because Ug handsome caveman. Woman like Ug and want smooch on face from Ug with big beard.
Ug accept payment for kissogram with woolly mammoth carcass or butchered head of rival cave leader Zug. Ug not like Zug. Ug want to smash Zug’s head in.
Unkempt Ug’s Caveman Kissogram Ltd. give kiss of a lifetime. Many happy customer. Current 3.5/5 score from 1,541 customer on TrustPilot. Order! Kiss! Smash with hammer!
Ug’s Plenty Good Kissing Policy
Ug got strict policy on kissogram kiss. Ug not a performing monkey. Ug not here to be taken advantage. Ug here for novelty kiss and payment of woolly mammoth carcass.
Ug!! Urgh. URGHH!!! URRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Unkempt Ug’s Caveman Kissogram Ltd. work like this:
- Order on Ug slab of stone outside Ug’s cave.
- Book date.
- Wait for Ug to turn up.
- Ug arrive and give big kiss.
- Ug go on insane smashing spree with hammer (Please note: This service is optional, not mandatory).
Customer then rate kiss as “Plenty Good” on TrustPilot. Ug reputation grow. Ug become world famous kissogram caveman.
Ug want success. Ug want to live in biggest cave. Ug want to settle down with pretty cavewoman wife and start family and put kids through university and Ug die a happy caveman covered in nits.
Ug’s Legal Disclaimer
Nor is the business associated with the video game Joe & Mac 2: Lost in the Tropics on the SNES.
The proprietor, Ug Ugson, reserves all rights to refrain from kissing any kissogram customer on the grounds of “reasonable” rejections. This can include, but is not limited to, the following non-acceptance stipulations:
- Ug not finding the kissogram customer attractive enough.
- Ug labouring under a plague of locusts swarming over his body.
- Ug spotting a woolly mammoth off in the distance necessitating abandonment of his duties to pursue “the hunt”.
- Ug getting lost on his way to find his latest kissogram.
- Ug being arrested for smashing people indiscriminately with his caveman hammer.
With regards to “the kiss”, customers must respect Unkempt Ug’s Caveman Kissogram Ltd.’s policy of not complaining if Ug arrives for the kissogram with a sabretooth tiger’s decapitated skull hanging from around his shoulders as a tribal statement of lore.
Should any customers believe their kissogram experience did not reach the mandatory status of “plenty good”, they are liable for a 30% refund pertaining to the fiscal arrangement regarding a singular Unkempt Ug’s Caveman Kissogram Ltd.’s transaction (point of sale—the woolly mammoth carcass of Mammuthus primigenius).
This refund will be in the form of 30% of the woolly mammoth carcass being returned to your address within 30 days of refund acceptance. Do note, your portion of the carcass will have degraded severely due to decomposition on return to your person and may be plagued with maggots and other undesirables.
Should you choose to eat the 30% returned to your person, Unkempt Ug’s Caveman Kissogram Ltd. waives all legal liability for any food poisoning resulting in such an endeavour.