It appears Santa Claus is a bit on edge about Christmas 2023 after the walrus Kenneth’s fresh clams extravaganza last week.

Now, with a business rival breathing down his neck, Santa is looking to branch out his brand and deliver more jolly excellence to people from around the world. It’ll be a ROLLER COASTER of emotions.

Santa and the Roller Coaster of Doom (🎢)

Santa staggered out of the factory this morning and the roller coaster was there. Standing there in my dressing gown, looking up at that massive bastard, wondering where the hell it bloody well came from.

That was me.

I kept staring at it all bleary eyed, hungover to all bastard, and my confusion was only broken by the sight of Kenneth the walrus rampaging across the factory courtyard, braying wildly, and chomping on fresh clams.

I looked back at the roller coaster. It was frozen solid and had vast icicles and stalactites hanging off the thing. I called my head elf, Markus, over.

“Markus! What is that!?”

“What’s what, sir?”

“That!” And I pointed at the roller coaster.

“It’s a roller coaster, sir.”

“Where did it come from?!”

Markus shuffled uneasily on his feet. I eyeballed him haughtily. Markus shuffled some more. Kenneth stampeded through the moment braying wildly. Then Rudolph turned up with that glazed druggie expression in his eyes, honking and drooling. To top it off, Nurse Doreen then arrived and handed me a hot cup of cocoa.

Those batshit crazy developments were too much! Santa went back to my quarters, began drinking heavily, and then passed out around midday.

Santa and the Roller Coaster of Doom (🎢) Part II

That evening Santa staggered out of the factory. Standing there in my dressing gown, looking up at a massive bastard, wondering what the bloody hell it was… a roller coaster! Drooling, I looked around for assistance.

No one was around.

In the distance I could see some elves leave factory unit 4 (where the yoyos and The Wonderful Waterfuls toys are produced), see me, run back inside, and slam the back entrance door. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion…

Slugging from a bottle of vodka, Santa began staggering over to factory unit 4. But on the way I found the vast roller coaster blocking my way. Its “legs” were massive. Giant blocks of steel. Santa was most indignant about this!

“MARKUS!” I bellowed. No response.

Furious, Santa started ambling up the roller coaster for a closer inspection. But after a few feet I lost my grip on the ice, slipped, and fell to the ground. I knocked my skull on a pile of Kenneth’s discarded fresh clam shells and passed out in a heap.

Santa and the Roller Coaster of Doom (🎢) Part III

When Santa came to it was pitch black. Nurse Doreen was standing over the top of me with a cup of hot cocoa. She held it out to me to take. I refused.

Thus, I lay there in a heap and Nurse Doreen stood there in a kind of cup of hot cocoa standoff way. It got tense. Like in those Western films where there’s a draw! kind of a moment between two people and you want the guy you’re rooting for to pull through. Except Santa was the guy I was rooting for and I didn’t want a bloody cup of hot cocoa!

“Go away…” I muttered finally after what seemed like aeons.

“It’s got absinthe in it.”

Santa gulped the lot down in a second. Suitably restored, I clambered to my feet, tenderly scratched the colossal bruise on my forehead from the fall, and went to furiously kick the roller coaster one in a rage.

That did some serious damage to my foot, which loudly cracked as if the bone had broken within, and Santa was left swearing some sweet bloody murder.

The kick also unsettled the stupid massive contraption and a giant clump of snow fell off the top and smacked onto Santa, knocking me out cold (again).

Santa and the Roller Coaster of Doom (🎢) Part IV

“Blow the bloody thing out of the sky!” I commanded Markus.

“Sir… it cost us $140 million from our budget to…”

“I DON’T CARE! Blow it up! Now!”

As it turns out, it was one of my drunken decisions to get the roller coaster built. My elves had cobbled the thing together over a 72 hour period I have absolutely no recollection of. Drunken haze and all that. That explains why this whole thing has been so confusing. But it was already a bloody burden on me and in need of instant detonation.

It was 8am now and the elves all came out front to watch the explosion. We stood 30ft away figuring that’d be a safe bet.

“It’s not a friggin’ atom bomb that’s going off!” I explained to Nurse Doreen, who had her WOKE MOB moment and suggested we stand at least 150ft away! That’s POLITICAL CORRECTNESS gone MAD.

Anyway, Markus rigged the SOB up and blew the SOB to smithereens.

We oohed.

We aahed.

Then the fireball debris began raining down on us all!

There was a lot of panicked, girly shrieking from myself in an effort to save my flabby backside. And it paid off! Because I’m here and all is well.

Luckily, those elf dipshit employees of mine are so diminutive they’d have to be astonishing unlucky to be flattened by the collapsing structure of the roller coaster. Despite a few singed eyebrows and burns here and there, all was well! Not a single fatality, which feels a bit… off.

Markus came running over to me with his little elf hat on fire.

“PUT YOUR HAT OUT, YOU INSUBORDINATE SWINE, THAT’S COMPANY PROPERTY!” I bellowed.

Markus ripped his hat off, threw it to the ground, and began stomping up and down on it until the fire was out.

Santa and the Ferris Wheel of Doom (🎡)

Markus, my head elf, put his heavily burned elf hat back on. He then informed me I’d, drunkenly, also demanded a Ferris Wheel be constructed 30 miles away from the factory out on the icy tundra of the North Pole. Santa was truly baffled by that.

“Why 30 miles away!? Bloody hell!”

“Sir, you were most insistent!” Markus explained, “You were jamming a bazooka in my face and singing that song from the Teletubbies.”

“Good grief! I trust you didn’t build this Ferris Wheel you speak of?”

Well, it turns out Markus (my head elf) did indeed build the bloody SOB out on the icy tundra 30 miles away. I made a mental note. Bazookas are VERY effective bargaining tools!

So, after downing a bottle of champagne, we flew out there via helicopter.

It’s certainly a very nice Ferris Wheel.

Lovely colouring. Pink and yellow.

Unfortunately, by the time we got out there Kenneth the walrus and his family and friends had invaded the bloody thing. Dozens of them! They were all in the little Ferris Wheel passenger carrier bits going round and round in slow concentric wheels all of them braying and honking quite hysterically in delight. The noise was deafening! You could hear them over the bloody helicopter!!

Markus looked at me with one of those “Should this be detonated as well, sir?” looks and I glared at him haughtily.

Frankly, I thought if that thing can control Kenneth (who’s a goddamn unreliable menace at the best of times) then IT STAYS PUT. But later, Markus (my head elf) informed me Kenneth and his brethren had destroyed the Ferris Wheel and dragged its remains off into the murky depths of the North Pole waters.

For which I gave Kenneth a pay cut. When I told him he began a hysterical 30 minute braying and honking fit and attempted to flatten me in one of his mating challenges…

The moral of the story? Don’t build roller coasters! Fun always results in productivity drops and explosions!