When a human male enters a lavatory they are at one. It’s a primal occurrence that brings out his inner caveman and reinvigorates primal urges.

One of which is to be a thoughtless, inconsiderate dickhead.

By which we mean a human male invariably… leaves the final square of bog paper on the roll! What horror is that!? We’re here today to set the record straight.

Men and Toilet Paper: When Worlds Collide

Dear agony aunt,

My name is Patricia and I am 55 years old. I have been married to my husband, Graham, for the last 25 years. I’ve come to regret this decision and curse this man to Hell and back!

He’s loud, he’s annoying, he drinks beer, he puts his feet on the living room table (!!!), but he also commits the most cardinal sin of them all…

Not replacing the toilet roll, by which I mean leaving the final square of paper (one that’s sometimes a bit shredded and almost unusable) on the roll. Such a statement infers the following:

• Abject laziness and thoughtlessness.
• Expecting muggins here to replace the roll for him.
• The actions of a total wanker.

Sorry for the rude language, but I’m at my wits end with this. 25 years of dealing with this, can you imagine!? It’s gradually sapped at my very soul and now every time I look at my husband all I ever see is bog roll and what it stands for! It reminds me of a verse:

“Then would I bear it, clench myself, and die,
Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;
Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I,
Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.”

The words of Thomas Hardy. But I bet you anything bloody Thomas Hardy, fine poet or not, ALSO REFUSED TO REPLACE THE TOILET ROLL EVEN WHEN IT WAS DOWN TO THE FINAL PIECE OF PAPER ON THE ROLL! Such is the nature of MEN!

This is why I’m appealing to you for help. What must I do to get my oaf of a husband to take the final action and just move his arms slightly for 35 seconds to remove the used toilet roll and replace it with a new one? I find it baffling this action is beyond him!

Yours, Patricia

P.S. Whenever I raise this issue with him directly, he jeers at me and calls me “Cow Pat” and makes mooing noises. This is a 55 year old man? No. I have married a man baby.

Hi there, Patricia! This is a standard “Dick Move”, as it’s known in the agony aunt community, where the man bloke is expressing his disdain for fundamental decency.

We’re sure you’re husband spends a lot of his time whining about other people being lazy, but that’s the stark contradiction of Dick Moves—the incapacity to comprehend double standards and general vacuity.

How to deal with this effectively?

Asides from our standard advice of hobbling him (the standard set by Annie Wilkes in Stephen King’s Misery), you can also try these tactics:

• Hobbling him (worth repeating again here in case you missed it on the paragraph above).
• Removing all emotional and physical support for him (i.e. just leaving him to his own devices—see how long he lasts in society! Hah!).

We recommend the final point. Stop talking to him, don’t go near him, and refuse to make eye contact. When he inevitably inquires, “What’s wrong, woman!?” tell him all will return to normal once he adjusts his foibles with bog roll etiquette.

Yes, what you’re doing is emotional blackmail. But what he’s been doing for 25 years is not on! And this is your sweet, sweet revenge.

If the above doesn’t work, then just start buying that really heavily perfumed bog roll you can buy. That’ll freak out his macho sensibilities, which’ll be funny! All the best, Patricia.