The Wind in the Pillows is a classic novel about insomnia (and how wind getting into pillows induces the aforementioned insomnia).

The book is most noteworthy for criticism about its title, which appears uncannily similar to classic novel for children The Wind in the Willows (1908). However, the author of The Wind in the Pillows denies this accusation.

Under the pseudonym Henry Billows, the work launched in 2015 and chronicles the writer’s battles with trying to feel asleep shortly after drinking extra large cans of energy drinks.

Explorations of Sleepless Nights in The Wind in the Pillows

The work opens with a harrowing description of Mr. Billows’ battle with insomnia. He describes it in his moving introduction as this.

“A few hours before going to bed I always enjoy a few relaxing snacks, such as a giant bag of chocolates, some cookies, candy, and I’ll round it off with a few large cans of energy drinks. It’s my routine and I love it.

Plus, it sets me up for the sleepless battle ahead.

The interminable, provincial, interpersonal and lateral battle one must engage in on a nightly basis seemingly out of no reason but a battle with mine subconscious. Years ago I realised this was simply a case of my higher intellect being challenged. The mind will not let me rest!

So, into bed do I go, lying there, tossing and turning, CURSING the day mankind decided a good night’s sleep was required and I emerge the next morning bereft of my spirit. There is nothing else for it. No sleep? Therefore, I drink a huge pot of coffee, down some energy drinks and have four crumpets slathered in butter.

This has been continuing for the last decade. Alas, I’m at a loss for why my sleeping patterns are so distraught.”

Reviews of the work, in the most callous fashion imaginable, criticised Mr. Billows’ lifestyle choices as the primary source of his insomnia.

Across the 500-page work, the writer doesn’t once mention his diet may be responsible for his sleep disruption.

Nor should he! What a man eats prior to bed is his business and doesn’t require nanny state interference on his part. This isn’t communism!

Mr. Billows responded to critics’ various accusations (read, defamation) by blowing raspberries and calling his accusers childish insults. When quizzed about this attitude, his response was simple.

“It’s because I’m immature.”

Regardless, The Wind in the Pillows was widely criticised as promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and also promoting widespread insomnia. One nutritional specialist, who wished to remain nameless, told us this.

“Mr. Billows is going to bed tanked up on energy drinks, which are packed with caffeine and sugar, but he’s there scratching his head wondering why he has sleep disruption. This is next-level ignorance and I can only plead to the public to avoid this lifestyle.

Not having an energy drink prior to bed isn’t ‘nanny state interference’, it’s about ensuring you’re able to enter REM sleep. That’s a crucial stage during your night of rest, but one you won’t be able to achieve with caffeine and sugar coursing through your system.”

Sadly, the Anti-Nanny State Watch was able to identify this nutritionist and he was pilloried across social media and had his car and home pelted with eggs.

Mr. Billows noted the incident and later told his social media followers to pelt energy drinks at the nutritionists’ home instead of “wasting delicious eggs”.

The Wind in the Pillows’ Energy Drink Endorsement Scandal

It later emerged, one year after the book’s publication, Mr. Billows was receiving a handsome lump sum of cash to endorse energy drink consumption prior to bed.

This was proven with various documents, including a signed contract of sponsorship with a market-disrupting emerging energy drink brand.

Despite this clear evidence, Mr. Billows denied the claims and accused everyone of slander, defamation, and launched a claim of crimes against humanity to the International Court of Justice.

He also released the following press release to address the matter.

“Some have argued the contract with my signature on it proves I signed the contract with my signature on it. I defy anyone to see this as nothing but illogical logic.

I scrawl this out to you all at a crucial time in my life, with not a solid night of sleep in over a decade, and on my 13th energy drink of the day to keep me going, and I’m being ACCUSED of the most heinous crimes by HACKS who’ve dug up my history and I say to you all this… you shall hear from my lawyer!”

In the aftermath of this incident, it was proven Mr. Billows was talking nonsense. He went to court and was fined for spread misinformation and for lying in his work.

The Wind in the Pillows is still on sale. You can find it in bargain bin discount book stores, usually costing around 12p.