If you remember Roald Dahl… he was a writer. And he wrote books like James and the Giant Peach (1961), which are (perhaps rightly) celebrated. By book enthusiasts and peach lovers.

However, the work James and the Giant But Boring Speech (2021) is an entirely different type of work. A total rip-off from Dahl, the book is about one really, really boring speech. Sounds riveting? You’re right, it isn’t. It’s really boring.

Giant But Boring Speeches: An Novel Ode to Rambling

“Well, maybe it started that way. As a dream, but doesn’t everything? Those buildings. These lights. This whole city. Somebody had to dream about it first. And maybe that is what I did. I dreamed about coming here, but then I did it. Then I wrote a really long and boring speech about it.”

Prolixity. It’s a pompous word to cover off people being pompous. But the average speech these days is estimated to last for around 35 minutes—with time for fillers, spluttering, and other pauses removed.

With those inserted back in you’re looking at about three hours per modern day speech. That. Is. A. Disgrace.

As such, the largely unknown and self-published author Derek McDerekson wrote this work. An entrepreneur, his novel laments the malingering nature of speeches in life and how they’re so stupid and boring. Please buy this book! Make Derek McDerekson rich.

The Book Ends Abruptly

The most notable aspect of this work is it ends abruptly a short way into chapter two. This has led to all manner of conspiracy theories from stupid people as to what happened. Including:

• Alien abduction
• Communist abduction
• Socialist abduction
• The writer dropped dead  to due to his own money-making brilliance (a condition known as SUCCESS)

Others suggest the book is simply a con and designed to get unsuspecting dumbasses to buy the book, think they can learn about speeches, and then get rich of talking bollocks.

Not that we’re ones for speculation, but we truly believe it’s a mixture of all of those things: aliens, communism, socialism, a dead author, cheese, and a get-rich-quick scheme.

The moral of the story? The purpose of all this? Erm…

Government Intervention

After the work’s publication in 2021, the UK government leisurely decided to crack down on the book’s money-making irrelevances. This is especially the case after it emerged the author was alive and well and living in Barbados.

In 2022, Derek McDerekson published the How to Wine Friends and Inflect People, spun-off from the famous work How to Win Friends and Influence People—as read by desperate individuals who view wealth and many mindless acquaintances as the reason to be.

However, his dastardly plans ended once the UK government got involved.

They stormed his mother’s home in Watford and found out her son lives in Barbados. A fighter jet was promptly stormed over to the tropical region to bomb the living daylights out of the place, but the pilot liked the look of the region and so instead took a well-deserved and extended holiday.

During his stay he caught up with McDerekson and the pair enjoyed a spot of pool in a pool whilst sunburned.

Conclusion: Stop Ripping Off Popular Classics!

This is our appeal to the nation! There may be far-right rioting at the moment, but what really matters is the RESPECT shown to legendary literary classics.

And to promote this ideal we’re planning a speech.

A really long and boring one.

We’ll be heading into Manchester city centre this weekend, at Piccadilly Gardens, with a MEGAPHONE, and we’ll launch into a prolixity happy tirade against rip-off literature. We hope you can join us as we’re going for a spot of tea afterward.