Some men aren’t REAL men at all, they’re just big scared BABIES who aren’t real men. As the true sign of a real man is one who fears nothing.

Not even being strapped to a soon-to-explode nuclear warhead whilst being prodded with red hot pokers and being forced to listen to chart music—in such a situation, a REAL man will denounce feminism and demand a beer.

Today’s man in discussion needs to learn a thing or two about that. Why? Due to his pathetic phobia.

When a Man is Scared of Halloween (thus no longer becoming of a man)

Dear agony aunt,

There is great shame in my family of late. It is because of my husband, Mark, whom I married last year in November. For 11 months thereafter, he has been a solid husband. I’d have rated him 7/10 on the husband scale of ratings due to:

• His dependability
• Lack of toilet clogging incidents
• Not wetting the bed
• Mowing the lawn
• Putting the toilet seat down

He lost several marks due to gaining weight and smelling of BO. Otherwise, a good and solid husband. What more could I, Jessica (young, beautiful, and accomplished as I am), have ever hoped for?

THAT IS UNTIL HALLOWEEN HIT! NOW HE IS NO LONGER MY HUSBAND! HE IS MORE HYSTERICAL SNOWFLAKE THAN MAN! I HAVE LOST HOPE IN HUMANITY! WE ARE DOOMED IF THIS IS THE FUTURE OF “MAN”!

It began in the supermarket. The Halloween paraphernalia has appeared and Mark… he saw a branded pack of his favourite biscuits with ghosts over the seasonal marketing materials. His hysterical screaming began. The store manager had to come out and confront us!

“What is the meaning of this!?” Demanded the store manager.

“Oh, please sir, my husband has taken leave of his senses!” I pleaded.

“Balderdash! He isn’t a REAL man anymore! GET OUT OF MY STORE THIS INSTANT, YOU DISGRACEFUL SWINES!” Roared the store manager.

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Screamed my husband.

My husband apologised after the incident and promised it’d never happen again. It has happened again. It has happened another 12 times! An entire dozen! We’ve been banned from most of the premium quality stores in the community, now we have to do our shopping at the budget range supermarkets. This is appalling. Poor people disgust me! Why should I be forced to shop amongst such inferior working-class scumbags!?

My husband is the harbinger of all this.

My husband… scared of Halloween marketing. Sure, ghosts are terrifying and I’ve had to deal with many hitting on my during my life, but I haven’t fouled myself in public at the sight of some plastic pumpkins at a shop entrance there to provide mild amusement for kids passing into the store!

My husband is a joke. A farce. Divorce isn’t good enough for him! I’m appealing to you for harsher ways to get my own back on this pathetic wastrel of a “man”.

Yours,

Jessica

Hi there, Jessica! It is true a real man awakes in the morning, takes a cold shower, does 100 push ups, compliments his dame on her beauty, then demands she get him a beer.

That was the foundation of civilized society for thousands of years.

The sad fact of the matter is such noble traditional values have been DESTROYED due to BISCUITS promoting DIFFERENT marketing on their packaging. This is a disgusting insult to all biscuit enthusiasts—it’s no wonder your husband was hysterical. Why, if we walked into a shop and saw Jaffa Cakes’ iconic packaging with a new design… we don’t think there’d be any survivors for a 10 mile radius soon after.

However, whilst we understand your husband’s fear we must condemn his actions.

A society needs strong men—strong in mind, strong in muscles… but if your husband is now always running away from stuff, that’ll make his calf muscles super strong. Huh. Well, we guess he’s, in his weird little snowflake way, fulfilling his duties as a man after all!

Fear not, Jessica. His cowardice is merely an act of macho bravery designed to strengthen his legs and vocal chords. When the time comes (i.e. nuclear war) he’s got your back.