The Snowman (1978) is a Raymond Briggs masterpiece that’s enriched many a child’s life for almost 50 years. Including ours! It’s a majestic time of it that was adapted into a 1982 animated short masterpiece, too.

Unfortunately, someone used the book’s legendary status to write The Snow Con Man (2008). This is a cautionary tale steeped in conspiracy theory claims, in which it’s alleged snowmen are con artists out to get your hard-earned cash.

Over 350 pages, the work contains details on nefarious types of snowmen, the types of schemes they operate, and how to overcome their devious manipulation tactics. Happy Christmas! 🎄

The Snow Con Man: Do Not Trust That Bastard

“Never trust a snowman! Them devious bastards will nab your wallet and sell your mother to a drug ring before you can say, ‘Your hysteria regarding snowmen seems somewhat misplaced.’ It is NOT misplaced. YOU are just a SLAVE to the snowman confidence trickster and your ‘freedom’ is an illusion until you emancipate yourself from their tyranny!”

Whilst Raymond Brigg’s work is a wordless picture book, The Snow Con Man, written by relatively unknown English author Alexander de Pfeffel Twisleton-Wykeham Nathanielson, is an 80,000 word, obscenity-laden, rambling ode to paranoid conspiracy theories.

The opening chapter of the work confidently claims snowmen are real.

Ironically, to provide his point, Alexander de Pfeffel Twisleton-Wykeham Nathanielson uses Raymond Brigg’s The Snowman as proof snow comes to life when arranged haphazardly into a shape barely resembling a human being. He states:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is to build a snowman.”

He adds:

“Some may argue snowmen are not evil. I put it to you as this—true evil wears a bobble hat and has a carrot for a nose. Would you trust a vegetable face to handle your life savings? Exactly. Yet the average citizen is ready and willing to bond with snow, the Earth’s dandruff, due to longstanding beliefs it is ‘fun’. This reality sickens me and is an indication that Marxism has infected society with big beards and Tetris.”

Indeed. When not rambling like that, he goes on to explain how to get around the manipulative behaviour of snow moulded as a man.

The APPALLING Tactics of Snow Con Men

One of the most common of all con men is to use fear and intimidation. The author notes the snowmen of the icy world achieve this via:

“Looking cute and innocuous. Is there anything more dangerous than being lulled into a false sense of security? It is whilst in this state that the snow con man will strike, hitting you with either a Ponzi scheme, sales hustle, or a snowball.”

Snow con men are notorious for pelting victims with snowballs. This is to such an extent you may end up with frostbite and/or hypothermia. When combined with our techniques, such as bombarding you with relentless phone calls to try and get your money and ice cube trays, this is where some victims melt.

Unable to deal with the emotional, and/or physical, barrage, they give the snow con man all their money in the hopes they’ll be left alone.

But, the author attests, these bastards are so relentless they won’t leave it there. No! They’ll go after your bobble hats next, plus any other winter warming clothes you have. They’ll leave your wardrobe most bare!

Then the worst of it hits… they want your carrots. 🥕

Many a snow con man wants these vegetables for their heads, thus recreating an iconic snowman look. It makes them more believable, thus victims are ready and willing to depart with their life savings (and carrots). Once our of carrots, victims can no longer bake carrot cake or have mashed carrots with their roast dinners.

This appalling state of affairs often renders the victim a blubbering wreck.

How to Avoid a HORRIFYING Snow Con Man Fate

To avoid becoming a blubbering wreck, Alexander de Pfeffel Twisleton-Wykeham Nathanielson states:

“YOU MUST NOT BUILD A SNOWMAN! The moment you do, you are at risk of losing everything you own. Resist the urge—if necessary, be drunk 24/7 during peak snow-based periods to ensure you DO NOT build one. When drunk, you will likely be unconscious on the floor and/or aggressive and listless, thus rendering your desire to build snowmen non-existent. Only in this capacity will you be safe.”

The Snow Con Man: Do Not Trust That Bastard has widely been criticised in the literary community. Many literary reviews classed the work as “idiotic” and one reviewer on Goodreads said it’s “crap” and provided a 1/5 review.

Our verdict? You should take every step necessary to avoid the HELL that is a snowman badgering you for carrots and life savings!

Don’t do it. Build a snowwoman instead.