Did you wake up this morning and scream, “WHAT MY LIFE IS LACKING IS AN ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE ARISTOTLE!” Well, for staters, please stop screaming. This is because the answer to your dreams… IS HERE TODAY!

At Hire a Philosopher Enterprises Ltd., our expert team of part-time philosophers dress up as the world’s most favourite, pompous, and self-aggrandising intellectuals.

And they’re happy to journey to any location you wish to Go Prolixity and ramble about knowledge, reality, and wisdom. Intrigued? Well, you’re not nihilistic! That’s a good start. 👍

Hire a Philosopher: Gotta Read ’em All!

You name the philosopher, we’ve got the philosopher:

• Aristotle
• Plato
• Socrates
• Confucius
• John Locke
• Augustine of Hippo
• Descartes
• Kant
• Nietzsche
• Pythagoras
• Zeno of Elea
• Voltaire
• Machiavelli
• Bob Geldof

With a staff of 100 part-timers ready and waiting to dress up as your philosopher, all you need to do is make your order and they’ll come on down to your location!

Armed with beginner’s guides to whatever philosopher they are, they’ll then wander around espousing witticisms, jaunty aphorisms, innuendo, and other flights of fancy.

Net result? You make your event or social occasion sophisticated, grandiose, pompous, and a little bit weird.

Pick and Mix Your Philosopher

Our philosophers are great for every occasion, whether you’re trying to look smarter than you really are, desperate for socialite attention, or you ordered from us by accident. Pick and choose for the best results!

Best for Looking Pretentious: Descartes

When not rambling about the existence of deities through simply having an idea of a deity, Descartes had a name a bit like a go-kart. Rest assured, our team member won’t arrive in one of those! As we pay him such a terrible wage, he’ll turn up on foot after a long and arduous bus ride.

Random Parties: Augustine of Hippo

This is a great one for kid’s parties, because our team member turns up… IN A HIPPOPOTAMUS COSTUME! As superb as that is, they also know their duty and will wander around droning on about original sin and just war theory.

The kids won’t know what the hippo is on about, too busy stuffing their faces with cake, but you’ve got to start somewhere in the world of philosophy. Get them into it when they’re young!

Stag Dos: Simone de Beauvoir

Replete in splendid dress and a magnificent smile to light up any room, Simone will arrive and mercilessly pummel drunken male attendees with feminist theory.

With her vast intellect, she’s sure to pummel this stag do into a stag don’t, trigger whining right-wingers into complaining they can’t have fun anymore, and send them into a spiral of existential depression. Hurray!

Hen Nights: Diogenes

Diogenes gave up everything to live in a barrel. This low-life, lazy, Marxist scumbag knew a thing or two about half-arsing his way through existence, so trust in him to ensure you get the most of your hen night.

Our Diogenes also has some rad dance moves, so stick on the Bee Gees, watch him don his trademark barrel, and this boy will party like it’s 323 BC.

Work Events: Confucius

Confucian theory emphasis meditation as an excellent route to conflict resolution. This is just super, especially if your employees detest the very sight of each other.

Once our Confucius turns up, there’ll be no more confusion! He’ll hand out some bongs, whip out his heroin kit, and everyone will be smacked up on and on with it before they can say, “Oh blimey!”

Hire Today, Your Existential Crisis is Mere Moments Away

Whether you’re a clueless philistine or a pompous arse, hiring from us is easy. Simply pay us £1,000, let us know your address, send over your passport number, and send us a picture of your face.

We promise this is just for customer verification purposes only. We totally don’t have an illegal side-hustle in black market identity theft. Honest.

Send us your details and money today! Confusing Confucius could be on YOUR doorstep within 24 hours!