Old movies are great as they don’t have CGI and that means the actors and actresses are real. That’s why when watching Beyond the Forest (1949) and hearing Bette Davis say a caustic line… we applauded.

Well, okay, we didn’t applaud. We’re British so that type of thing is wrong. Plus, we weren’t even alive in 1949 so that sort of thing was impossible.

But what we did do is like this line. Thus, we’ve taken it into a world of wordplay to explore alternative avenues of dumpdom.

What a dump!

Here’s the original in all its glory. A masterpiece of putdowns to Bette Davis’ onscreen husband. In this one, she played a bored houseful fed up with small-town life. So she has an affair and bumps off (i.e. murders) a witness of the, aforementioned, murder. A femme fatale then. Huzzah!

What an dump!

This one is to annoy the grammar nerds out there. An is a determiner and in this instance it’s probably wrong to say it. But, who cares? A dump is still a dump.

What a Stig of the Dump!

Good opportunity to plug the children’s book Stig of the Dump (1963) by Clive King. It’s a shame the book wasn’t around in 1949 then this could have been an excellent bit of product placement.

What a rump!

If this was one of those stupid Carry On… films from the 1960s you’d get “rump” in there. And someone would say, “Ooh, missus!” Because those films were rubbish.

What a shitheap!

If the film was made for modern audiences, and starred Rebecca Hall or some such, this is the version we’d like to hear. Glorious! If crude.

What a thump!

This would be a clever little nod to the “thump” sound the murdered individual’s corpse would make as it slammed into the floor. Clever stuff, if evil, Bette.

What a water jump!

This is an early example of an intertextual reference to the Happy Day’s “jumped the shark” moment involving The Fonz. See above.

What a gas pump!

In this version of the film, we envisage Bette Davis’ character having a love (nae… infatuation) for gas pumps. It would have been an excellent film. Honest.

What a bicycle pump!

And in this version Bette Davis is less of a tosser and she compliments her husband on his well maintained bicycle pump. Real men ride bikes with appropriate tyre inflation.

What a grump!

Yes, Bette Davis, you are!

Tutt… a grump!

Tutting is rude and shouldn’t be allowed. Like every man bloke can work out how to get a mop and a bucket working. Tsk.

What a chump!

Your husband or the bloke you bumped off, woman!? Be specific here, we need specifics.

What a stomach pump!

More product placement here as Beyond the Forest promotes the best available stomach pump for your stomach pumping needs.

And finally…

Strut a dump!

Bette Davis channelling her inner Bee Gees moves here. Stayin’ Alive indeed (apart from the dude she murders).