Whilst mosquitoes at work aren’t as big a threat to capitalism as, for example, offering employees salary reviews, they nonetheless can distress and upset your pathetic employees. This may prove bad for business.
Legislated by The Mosquitoes at Work Act 1974, you may turn to these regulations to ensure you can regulate these long-legged flies in your working environment.
This can assist with the cessation of plague, scurvy, and/or common cold outbreaks. Read this expert guide to understand what, how, when, where, why, who, and we’re you need to do.
Understanding the Purpose of Mosquitoes at Work
It’s important to remember that mosquitoes that fly into your workplace are not employees. You have little control over them and they wouldn’t be very professional about things anyway, so your best course of action is to either:
- Aggressively kill them all
- Leave them be to feast on your staff members
It’s good business practice to choose one of those two options. As such, accordingly pick one and stick to it with a sense of draconian rigidity. As The Mosquitoes at Work Act 1974 does not allow room for flexibility, instead demanding subservience to the mosquito cause.
Said Act, hence and thus, states in on page 341,021 in 123 (a) of 567,103:
“It is believed that mosquitoes have invaded working environments for at least two decades. However, this may even be as much as two thousand years. Regardless and irrespective of such a time, they act as workplace vampires ready and willing to suck the blood of your employees. This may enrage you. After all, you hired your staff to bleed them dry. Not the other way around. As such, it is wise to try and eradicate them from your office (mosquitoes, not employees). Do so with the most destructive forces known to man, such as hiring a janitor or pest removal specialist.”
From our learned experience of never running a business, but ranting nonsense about how to do so anyway, we believe it to be good business practice to hire a janitor and pest remover.
How to Deal With a Pest Remover in the Office
Upon arriving at your premises, the pest removal specialist will begin spraying bug spray. They will continue spraying bug spray for the next five hours and not stop during that time (to note, they will be dressed in a full hazmat suit).
If your employees are on the premises, they will sit and breathe in the bug spray fumes.
Whilst the fumes will kill any insects whom inhale the stuff, side effects for your members of staff can be alarming, disturbing, and hilarious in equal turn. They will exhibit side effects such as:
- Vomiting blood
- Gagging and gasping violently for air
- Laughing hysterically to the point of lunacy
- Keeling over
- Having spasmodic spasms
- Demanding repeatedly for someone to crack a window open
Do not, it’s your duty of care as an employer to crack a window open. But only if employees get really annoying about it. Otherwise, demand they continue working at a pace whilst the bug spray fumes obliterate the mosquito population at your place of work.
As for the pest remover bloke, leave him to it. He’ll do his job, you do yours (toxic fumes or otherwise).
Case Study: The Sad Case of the Lone Mosquito Destroying a Business
Sadly for the perfect world of utopian capitalism, toxic bug spray can only go so far. As was, sadly, the sad case of Bob’s Bench Building Business in 1981.
Bob Smith ran a successful business in Bolton of Greater Manchester.
That was right up until he was done for embezzlement, fraud, tax evasion, and a lone mosquito going on a feeding frenzy throughout his business. In August of 1981 Mr. Smith told the Office of National Statistics (ONS):
“It were while I where under investigation for fraud that what I went and were done in prison for even though I never bloody well did it, you bastards. But while that were that what were going on there what were this mosquito biting all me staff! A bunch got malaria and scurvy and me whole bloody workforce what were what off sick. It were like nobody wanted to work anymore! Ungrateful bloody swines. I were paying them minimum wage and everything! Sky were the limit at Bob’s Bench Building Business. Then I got done and spent ten year in jail. Bloody hell.”
It’s a sad story and, sadly, one that reflect the devastating nature of blood sucking insects on the, otherwise, impossible perfection of capitalistic economising.
Learn from Bob’s story. Hire a pest controller.
