Tiger parenting is where parents behave in an authoritarian and strict way toward their children. This is in an attempt to enforce success in the big old beautiful world of capricious capitalism.
Today’s joint message to us was written by a mum and dad with a draconian educational policy toward their two-year-old. Already demanding it write essays on Solzhenitsyn, Beethoven, acoustics, optics, and electromagnetism. The child isn’t responding to any particularly well and the couple is ANGRY. Rawr!
Boasting About Tiger Parenting and Other Bad Decisions
Dear plebs,
My name is Jennifer. I am a supremely gifted and successful woman skilled in running a business that earns a six figure annual income. My husband, Kevin, is also supremely gifted and works as a chef, running his own restaurant, which he has called Succeggs (it is workplay, transposing Success with Eggs).
Our two-year-old, Monsoon the Goon (the name I dreamt of the night before I gave birth… it was a message.. nae… a GIFT FROM GOD) is also a supremely talented individual. We have bestowed upon it the our tiger parenting demands in the form of a contract of employment as our child, which it signed with drool and some puke. This is to ensure it kowtows to expectations of:
- Extreme academic achievements
- Following of extreme discipline
- TOTAL commitment to EXCELLENCE at every single second of their formative, and post-formative, years
- An exam-orientated focus
- UNDERSTANDING THAT WEALTH AND STATUS ARE ALL THAT MATTER
Monsoon the Goon has already shown extreme brilliance in many areas of education. We have forced it to read several Solzhenitsyn works, and our child’s first word was “brobdingnagian”, a moment which made me nod my head in appreciation. My husband was also overjoyed. He clapped once, proclaimed “Hah! We are superb parents!”, then returned to normality.
Our next goal is to force Monsoon the Goon to learn:
- Latin
- Welsh
- French
- Japanese
- Russian
We also have taught it how to cook an omelette. Indeed, Monsoon the Goon entered an omelette cooking competition for children and finished SECOND. The first of the losers. To punish it, we made Monsoon the Goon eat nothing but omelette for the next month entirely, all with extended Latin lessons, all whilst it learns employment law, economics, physics, and the alphabet.
Monsoon the Good is a happy child. Every now and then it grins and says “BOooO gaaa boo booooo!”, to which I remind our child to focus on extreme excellence at every second. It will then respond with Latin phrases I do not even know, which confirms the tiger parenting process is GUARANTEED to land a genius upon the world.
In fact, I am so certain Monsoon the Goon is a child prodigy I have demanded it enter university on its third birthday. Thus far, my requests have been rejected.
Monsoon the Goon… the world is not ready for you, child. But we shall enforce it.
Plebs… help us in our hour of need!
Jennifer
Hi there, Jennifer! Rawr! Roar! Instead of tiger parenting, and whatever it is you’re on about (we’re not really sure), we recommend you ditch this nonsense and, instead, focus in on the new parenting craze.
HAMSTER PARENTING.
This involves waking at anti-social hours, storing food in your cheeks, running endlessly on a hamster wheel, and nibbling at stuff. Hamster parenting has been clinically proven to make your child meek, malleable, and cuddly wuddly.
We appreciate this is the exact opposite of what you’re after, but as the old saying goes: “Why be a tiger when you can be a hamster?” Sure, we just made that old saying up. But it perfectly aligns with the narrative we’ve invented to deflect away from your insane prolixity.
