The Beach is a 1996 novel by English writer Alex Garland, which then became a 2000 film starring Leonardo da Vinci, Robert Carlyle, and Tilda Swinton. Yes.
However, did you know a 1998 rip-off novel called The Bleach also launched (in 1998), written by author John Frostbite, and was then adapted into a terrible B movie in 2002? Well, you can find out all about it here in this glorious advertisement for chemical cleaning products combined with dodgy prose.
Tourism and Cleaning Products in The Bleach
“When you develop an infatuation for bleach you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the cleaning product for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the bleachy haze of infatuation, it’s just what you’ve been searching for all these years.”
The work is loosely adapted from The Beach and follows the adventures of a wealthy rich kid tourist from England called Lord Sebastian Dame Rupertson-Emeret III. John Frostbite has since stated this character is based on the eminent English politician Duff Cooper.
Whilst The Beach champions travelling over mindless tourism, The Bleach champions mindless tourism over travelling. All whilst touting a pro-chemical grade bleach narrative, with the ultimate goal of “disinfecting” all the “gross” hotels Lord Sebastian Dame Rupertson-Emeret III stays in (minus his butler Jeeves, whom has to stay at home).
The confused TOV doesn’t support Frostbite’s message, as Lord Sebastian Dame Rupertson-Emeret III writes in an informal way not befitting of an upper class toff.
“Trust me, it’s bleach. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is the generation that travels the globe and searches for something we haven’t tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite, and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the bleach. And if it hurts, you know what? It’s probably worth it.”
Critics savaged the work for its muddled messaging and contradictory nature, but also pointed out the book was incoherent and nonsensical. Nevertheless, it sold well (four million copies) due to the free tub of bleach included with each copy, attracting a core audience of doting mothers and janitors.
The work was, subsequently, adapted into a critically panned commercial failure of a movie called The Bleach. It starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead role and is largely considered his worst ever bleach-based performance.
Response From the Bleach and Tourism Industries
John Frostbite was sued by both the cleaning product and tourism industries, whom claimed his novel was:
- Grossly misleading
- Gross misconduct
- Gross
Frostbite countered by stating gross misconduct was an employment law term and the charge was subsequently dropped. Frostbite went on to plead insanity and was later jailed anyway for 33,000 unpaid parking tickets. He never travelled again and, whilst in prison, tried to re-enact several pivotal scenes from the film Shawshank Redemption (1994).
The final re-enactment was to try and escape the prison by fitting through a toilet bowl u-bend, during which he succumbed to death by drowning. There were no survivors.
