After our DAMNING (ish) review of critically acclaimed show Better Call Saul, we’ve gone and invented a spin-off called Breaking Bland. This masterclass in slow burner storytelling plays out over 135 seasons and viewers are lucky if three words are spoken per episode.

Critically acclaimed for its profound genius, Breaking Bland is widely renowned for its monumental comprehension in taking its goddamn time with everything. Indeed, there’s a 13 episode wait for the first word being spoken. We explore these themes in this theme of episodical themes and… yes, it’s award-winning and there are other things.

Exploring a World of Boredom in Breaking Bland

“I am the one who knocks… because the doorbell is currently undergoing a routine maintenance check and I don’t want to startle you.”

Drugs, eh? Well, there aren’t many of those in the world of Breaking Bland. The plot follows the character arc of Walter Whinge, a 50+ human male with a humdrum existence working as a teacher of general studies.

When Whinge gets bored of that job, he quits and starts working for Gus Fringe at a local dry cleaners. Fringe is obsessed with getting creases out of pants and accepts Whinge into his business, whom he pays minimum wage.

The Whinge family aren’t happy with Walter’s decision, as the drop in pay between jobs is a concern. As is his shift from one steady line of employment into an even more steady, yet bland line of employment. Ultimately, he decides to open his own dry cleaner business and calls its:

“Walter’s Whites: A Great Dry Cleaner”

The layers of boredom that follow in the show explore themes such as the:

• Human condition
• Tedium
• Uninspired lunches
• Pants
• Dresses
• Underwear
• Weird socks

One entire season arc follows The Great Button Shortage, whereby the dry cleaner industry can’t access buttons and this forces Walter into the button-based black market. This alerts the local FBI, who begin tracking his every move in case he ends up being a drug dealer or something.

Walter Whinge is not a drug dealer (or something).

This is a man who’ll spend hours meticulously lint-rolling a navy blazer whilst listening to Wagner. He is a man whom knocks politely. He is a man whom uses “whom” in casual conversation instead of just saying “who”. He is a man whom listens to boring dad rock on the radio and worships Deep Purple.

Despite its extreme tedium, Breaking Bland was a huge critical success and won hundreds of awards. It was also celebrated by the dry cleaning industry, whom viewed it as an accurate representation of how dull life is working in a dry cleaner.

The Ultimate Cliffhanger: The Loyalty Card

Undoubtedly the greatest episode of Breaking Bland happens in season 113, episode 47. In this one, Walter Whinge is hard at work making sure customer jackets are nice and clean.

However, one day he reaches into a pocket and finds a loyalty card that has nine stamps. ONE DRY CLEAN AWAY FROM THE TENTH, WHICH WOULD BE FREE.

The screen fades to black as the horrific realisation hits home for Whinge, well aware in the most mortifying fashion he might well lose $6.50 in potential revenue. This episode went on to win an Oscar for Best Editing.