A Christmas Carol. In Prose. Being a Ghost Story of Christmas is a famous Charles Dickens novella from 1843. It is not as good as the Muppet Christmas Carol special film (1992) of the same work (the one with Michael Caine in it).

However, better yet is the 1991 classic A Christmas Coral by novelist Dick Charles. This was his last work he ever had published, for he was abducted by aliens in 1993 and hasn’t been heard from since. Thus, this beautiful book is a testament to his existence prior to abandoning life on Earth.

Just Keep Swimming in A Christmas Coral

“It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour. Oh, except whooping cough syndrome. That’s pretty contagious…”

The story follows the life of Ebenezer Scurvy in 1762, a pirate whom is a bit of a miserable prick. However, when he’s mercilessly attacked by a great white shark the blood loss leads to him viewing the world in a more upbeat way.

As he floats about in the ocean with a limb missing, he recalls his life in a series of hallucinations. The chapters go like this:

1. Prologue
2. Birth
3. Childhood
4. Formative years at Yarr University
5. SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!!
6. Recession
7. More recession
8. Plague outbreak
9. Scurvy outbreak
10. Pirating years
11. Shark attack and limb loss
12. Further pontifications
13. Death and absorption by the ocean
14. Epilogue

A Christmas Coral is notorious for its tediousness. The work is 1,100 pages and rambles a fair bit. It also makes references to more modern life, which is somewhat anachronistic given the work is supposed to be set in 1762.

“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself. And if you’re unaware about that reference, I’m on about Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.”

Many literary critics were at pains to point out Macaulay Culkin could not possibly have starred in Home Alone circa 1762 as:

• Macaulay Culkin wasn’t alive
• Cinema didn’t exist

To set the record straight on this matter, Professional Moron reached out via telepathy to Dick Charles for a comment. He declined to comment. As such, his legacy is in ruins and this book is stupid woopid.

Addendum Thesis: Is The Christmas Coral Even Related to Christmas in Any Way?

We’re ending this review on a mini-dissertation, for there’s much scholarly musing over whether A Christmas Coral is, indeed, a work of Xmas-related literature. There are three core postulations:

1. Yes, it is
2. No, it is not
3. Maybe

Compelling arguments, all, but we tend to side on the front of “maybe” as it’s the most apathetic. Yet, on reflection, we feel we may change our stance to “yes” as that’s the most nonsensical, but plausible.

We mean, it’s there in the title: A Christmas Coral.

The work may not go on to have anything to do about Christmas, or corals for that matter, but it’s there in the name and, therefore, that is a convincing argument (if one a tad childlike in its reasoning). Plus, the book references Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and that’s about as Xmas as it gets, eh?