Okay, to make more cash we’ve offered Professional Moron opinion piece slots to the highest bidders. A bunch of weirdos and the like got in touch, but we awarded the first contract to slobbering alien oddball Shoggoth the Bewildered.
Shoggoth is from the planet Rum some 134 billion lightyears away. He contacted us via email, paid the £45,000, and we’ve accepted his batshit insane pitch for a piece about American politics. Sure this’ll go swimmingly.
American Politics 101: Expert Insights From an Alien
Greetings. I am Shoggoth the Bewildered of the glorious planet Rum. On my planet, the BEST planet in the Universe, we have a united political belief system you Earthlings would define as Super-Conservativism, a transmundane ideology where Rum’s residents are telepathically ranked across society by how obnoxious and haughty they are.
I, Shoggoth, have a rating of 7/10. I’m working hard on getting it up to 8/10, because when you hit that 8 on Rum you get to move into a new mansion with many acres of land. My wife, Shugguth the Confused, is a PATHETIC rating of 6/10. If she doesn’t reach 7/10 within the next 167 Rum rotations (rumtations) I shall divorce her for Lady Boggoth the Marvellous, whom is a 9/10 and one of the most sought after dames across the land due to her repellent personality flaws.
I, Shoggoth, shall report back on that at a later date.
However, for now it is time to make comments on the American political situation. I’ve watched the Earth from afar for the last 300 years and seen political parties come and go. Personally? I feel you need Super-Conservativism. Yet you are unwilling to commit to this, based on my highly intellectual observations.
Notes on the American Midterms: Conservativism Needs More Haughty
These are the 10 remarkable insights I provide on what played out:
- Mightily disappointed to see none of the American senators divorced their wives for a 9/10 hyper-repellent haughty woman person. They are not Conservating properly enough. Where is the haut?! No wonder their GDP is flagging.
- Shugguth has just messaged me from the Rumian space-bazaar to remind me I need to leer at some poor people today (I have made a note). She hath insulted three peasants today, bringing her rating to 6.7! This is a most superb development.
- Mightily disappointed by the general lack of a telepathic caste system in the US political system.
- Mightily disappointed.
Okay, that was only three things. I had intended to reach ten, but I got bored and moved on. My general observation? Super-Conservativism is definitely not present enough. I, Shoggoth, am mightily disappointed by the whole affair.
On Rum, our elections result in mass lay offs for anyone whom doesn’t vote for the winning party. Unemployment rates then skyrocket, allowing employers to syphon more money up to themselves. It is a superb system that doesn’t go far enough to reward the strivers in society. The job makers. The superior beings whom dared to do something with their lives rather than lounge around living off benefits. Like me. The great Shoggoth.
Editor: The opinion piece abruptly ended above. Through the powers of telepathy, Shoggoth then flooded the Professional Moron office with ectoplasm and logged off. Rest assured, he’ll be back! Tune in next week when Shoggoth reviews British housing policy and why renters just need to work hard to progress to homeownership.
