Caving (spelunking/potholing) is a wonderful recreational hobby where you descend into the dank depths of cave systems and hope to Satan you don’t get trapped and die horribly.

Hi. I’m Jeff the Giraffe. If you want to learn caving then I’ve got 10 years’ experience barely being able to fit into most cave systems and I’m ready and willing to lead you to your potential doom.

Get Caving Ready With Jeff the Giraffe!!!

Disclaimer: As Jeff is a giraffe (giraffa; large hoofed mammal), he is part of the tallest living terrestrial animal genus standing at almost 20 feet and, therefore, often unsuitable to fit inside most global caving systems. This disability does not prevent Jeff from providing excellent directions and/or moral support to his customers, many of whom often survive his various expeditions.

For just £100 a lesson, I’ll take you straight to the most dangerous caving systems in the UK! These include, but aren’t limited to:

1. Mossdale Caverns on the Yorkshire Dales
2. Porth yr Ogof of Bannau Brycheiniog/Brecon Beacons, Wales
3. Alum Pot and Rowten Pot on the Yorkshire Dales
4. Alderley Edge Mines in Cheshire
5. Wookey Hole caves in Somerset

As per my disclaimer, as a giraffe I can’t fit into many of these caves. But I can guide you through them thanks to the marvels of modern technology! With a walkie talkie and video link system, I’ll provide direct and laser-eyed giraffe-based instincts into your spelunking adventures. Words of wisdom will include the likes of:

• “It may look like you’ll get stuck in that bit, but I suggest you go on in anyway. Live a little!”
• “Of course that boulder looks secure. If uncertain, jump up and down on it to ensure its structural integrity.”
• “Yes, the cave is flooding with water, but I don’t see any reason to be alarmed.”
• “I am 100% certain that giant spider isn’t venomous!”
• “You’re trapped solid? Try wriggling around in a mindless panic, that’ll do the trick.”
• “I can’t call the emergency services, my hoof doesn’t have an opposable thumb.”

I am a talking giraffe, by the way, so please don’t be alarmed by that. Like any other Brit, I just like a good pint and chinwag over a copy of The Daily Mail. No need to be terrified or weirded out.

Call me today! Adventures and a potential slow and horrible death are only a phone call away!

Customer Testimonials

“I were stuck upside down for 10 hours in Porth yr Ogof while Jeff laughed about it and told knock-knock jokes. I could’ve died! On the plus side, I got a 35% refund and used the money to buy a pint of gin and drink away from PTSD.” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I’m a father of four and my wife is expecting a fifth child anytime soon. To celebrate, I realised nothing could be more sensible than heading into some of the UK’s most dangerous caving systems to put my life on the line. After a hellish 48 hours in Mossdale Caverns, I emerged with gangrene, scurvy, and a severe head wound. It were brill! I’ll be heading back down there once the amputation surgery is successfully completed.” John from Kent

“Jeff couldn’t even fit in the entrance of the cave, never mind come on down into the bleeding thing with me. I’m 75 and need help with this sort of thing and he was USELESS. Over the walkie talkie he told me to ‘scale anything that looks interesting’ and so I did and ended up 135 miles underground and stuck. Rescue teams spent 3 months digging me out and I survived on Horlicks and Werther’s Originals.” Linda from Plymouth

“Don’t trust Jeff the Giraffe the so called ‘cave expert’ the BASTARD don’t even fit in no cave! This is fraud!! On the way to Wookey Hole caves he got LOST and we didn’t even make it to the caves! He refused a refund and we went to a pub and paid for some fish & chips. It were nice fish & chips but I weren’t there to eat fish & chips! I wanted to learn about caving!” Frank from Burnley