Why are Kinder Surprise Eggs illegal in America? “Er… what?” Well whilst writing an article yesterday it came to Professional Moron’s attention innocuous Kinder Surprise Eggs are, indeed, banned in the US, USA, ‘Muricah, America, the United States, and the United States of ‘Muricah. Why? They’re a choking hazard to children. Indeed.

To an extent we can understand the US Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) seasoning, but then it emerged Choco Surprise Eggs employed a canny design which means this Kinder Surprise Egg counterfeit isn’t banned under US regulations. Why? As its chocolate shows there’s something inside, thusly rendering choking a probable non-certainty.

Kinder Surprise Eggs… are what Exactly?

If you’re unfamiliar with Kinder Surprise Eggs then you’ve been living under a clog your entire life. You’re also missing out. These things are made by Italian company Ferrero (you know, Ferrero Rocher, “With these Rocher you are really clogging our arteries!” – the famous TV ad) and pack a mighty entertainment punch.

Not only are they wrapped in delicious chocolatey deliciousness, there’s a yellow case wrapped up in it. Inside this there’s a toy of some sort. Now the toys are always idiotic and utterly pointless, but there’s something special about them. Perhaps it’s the childhood nostalgia of thinking something rubbish is brilliant. Perhaps the chocolate is laced with drugs. Who knows?

Yet they’re Outright Banned? Weird!

For a country where guns are so readily acquirable a Kinder Surprise Egg should be the least of one’s worries. What what. It reminds us of when we was kids at Primary School and The Powers What Be went and banned Pogs as the kinis we’re a bit dangerous. Balderdash! Plus, yeah we just remembered, conkers got banned too!

Anyway, we hope America lifts this ban is it seems a bit childish. Almost as childish as the chocolatey treat itself. Surely, you know, parents could oversee their sprog as it injects nutrition free chocolate into its body? Until the ban is lifted, however, there remains a near $3,000 fine per Kinder Surprise Egg for anyone who tries smuggling them into the country. Midnight Express, anyone? Midnight Eggspress, more like!