Yesterday we scoffed at stupid Americans and their stupid ban of stupid (in a great kind of stupid way) Kinder Surprise Eggs. Today we’re scoffing at us stupid British people and our capricious banning of innocuous concentrated fruit juice drinks.
We don’t know if Ribena or Capri-Sun are sold to other areas of the world, but in England these juice drinks are part of our culture. British folk consider it a patriotic duty to consume these sugary majiggers, why it’s as much of a tradition in British hearts as The Queen, drinking tea, going down solemnly with ships (most notably the Titanic), causing massive football riots, and eating Fish & Chips.
If any of these traditions are interrupted, the British way is to complain, and to do so heartily. Thusly, Tesco (who’ve had a lot of bad press recently, especially after a certain horse meat crisis) are currently being inundated with thousands of Tweets lambasting them for being complete and utter bastards.
Ribena itself can be seen above. It’s a concentrated berry juice flavour one adds to water so that petulant, precocious little shits will drink water and not die of dehydration. Capri-Sun (pictured somewhere below this text), in the meantime, is an unusual pouch like orange drink you have to forcibly stab with a straw in order to access.
It seems the main reason these things have stayed in production is due to nostalgia, with each generation of proletariat scumbags passing on their likes and dislikes to the next. Not that we’re being snobby about Ribena or Capri-Sun, it’s just you have to be a complete imbecile to still be drinking the stuff if you’re over 30.
We do feel, being British, we should steer this post back on track. Our outrage subsided and was replaced by a certain misgiving known as a “reality check”. Whilst we sit here writing this with tears pouring down our faces in some deranged patriotic fervor, we must lament Tesco for their hypocrisy. The reason the ban has taken place is to begin a campaign of stopping childhood obesity. We’d like to point out to Tesco families can still pick up a giant 2 litre bottle of Coca Cola for, like, £2 on the aisle next to erstwhile shelf occupiers Ribena and Capri-Sun, but who cares?
On a final note, we shall indicate Ribena and Capri-Sun played an integral part in our upbringing. Without them, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif would have succumbed to gout, scurvy, rickets, gangrene, and probably even pneumonia years ago. See, Tesco? You hath foisted death upon society. We hope you’re satisfied!