Here at Professional Moron we love cheese. I, Mr. Wapojif, particularly love cheese. But most normal people tend to look for relationships away from cheese.

And yet, as professional morons work so damn hard, it is difficult to find true love. Except cheese.

But cheese is not the point of this column—young love is. And whilst young love is nauseating to behold, our sponsors are forcing us to run a Dating Column for the Professional Moron readers.

We have been inundated with responses and so we could only choose a small amount of your, frankly disturbing, descriptions to put up for consideration.

Anyone interested should leave a comment in the section clearly marked “Comments” and we will forward your contact details to the individual of your choosing. Please, ladies and gentlemen, no debauchery.

Men Seeking Women

Male, 55, London – Sophisticated gentleman seeks dashing lady for evenings of ripping it up on the dancefloor and getting utterly wasted. GSOH. Mild body odour issues. Box #1

Male, 21, Scunthorpe – Acne ridden, immature, greasy mess seeks extremely attractive female for vanity reasons. My hobbies include; picking my nose, sweating, and guffawing. Serious body odour issues. Box #2

Women Seeking Men

Woman, 29, Nottingham – Bubbly (i.e. maniacal, idiotic dunce) seeks equally bubbly male for snuggles on the sofa, snuggums at bed time, swuggles at tea time, and sbuggums at lunch. Must own a Ferrari. Box 3

Woman, 60, Bognor Regis – Fiscally thriving older lady seeks randy 20 year old for blatant showboating and help with opening difficult tinned confectionery products. Box #4

Men Seeking Men

Man, 32, Newcastle – Geordie geezer seeks fellow Geordie geezer who can actually understand a word he’s saying, as no one else can. Box #5

Man, 33, Newcastle – Newcastle gentleman seeking thoroughbred Newcastle man with impenetrable Northern accent for jolly times and merriment. Box #6

Women Seeking Women

Woman, 35, West Sussex – Laid back woman seeks high maintenance loon to bring some perspective to her easy going nature. Must be highly belligerent and ready for a fight at any moment. Please, no cheese lovers. Box #7

Woman, 38, Birmingham – Cheese loving Brummie seeks laid back, cheese loving 35 year old for discussions about cheese, to visit cheese tasting events, to make our own cheese, and eventually open a little cheese shop in West Sussex called “The Cheesy Cheese Shop”. Must love cheese. Box #8

Men and Women Seeking Cheese

As we all know the Moon is made of cheese. Go there for your fix!