Well it’s that time again – Santa’s Weekly Column. We must admit we thought Santa had got himself back on track after the last instalment, but now it seems he can’t write again. Instead we have an overview of the week from John the Gammy Legged Reindeer who has recently taken over head Reindeer duties from the disgraced Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. John has kindly supplied us with Santa’s latest antics. We can only hope he makes a speedy recovery so we can enjoy his sharp wit again, rather than the berserk obscenities which flow from his mouth whenever he touches an alcoholic beverage.
“Hello Professional Moron readers!
I heartily apologise for Father Christmas’s absence this week but he is rather ill after consuming 17 and a half litres of Brandy in six days. We fear he may have had a bit of a “lapse” as his GP refers to it. For the record I recorded down, verbatim, some of Santa’s insane jabbering during his drunken stupor for your learned observation (Editor: Please note a * denotes an expletive):
“What in the name of * is that * thing? It’s legs…. vast as the seas of Madrid, as colossal as the Birch Oak in the rear of the fields of Skegness…. why I saw them myself when delivering a pot of marmalade to Uncle Sid near Stone Hedge. Those damn bats are back again! * THE BATS!!!!”
“Rudolph is covered in scabies! THE SCABIES! *! *! *! *!”
“Where did…. MRS. SANTA CLAUS! WHERE IN THE NAME OF * DID I PUT MY NAIL VARNISHING COLLECTION?!?”
“I hate haddock! I AM NOT EATING THIS * FOR DINNER! HADDOCKS! I CAN SEE THE HADDOCKS FLYING BEFORE ME!!!”
Santa has spent a large amount of time comatose, too, so it’s not all been doom and gloom, wild swearing and paranoid hallucinations. He’s currently on a water diet and swears wildly whenever anyone heads near him. Nevertheless, I’m confident we’ll soon have him back to normal. I include here the beginning of his column he started before he went on this psychotic alcoholic spree:
“I am heartily and warmly keen to invite you all to……..”
We’re not really sure what Santa had in mind, and since he has incinerated a large proportion of his headquarters we probably never will know.
Thank you all for your support and let’s wish Santa a great big get well soon!
Yours sincerely, John the Gammy Legged Reindeer.”