Stuff Explained: Life & Other Things Covered at Random


Hark! We have been away over the Easter weekend at Professional Moron. Our return is marked with our most excellent post since time itself began. Which for us was actually a few months ago – yes, in blogging terms we’re youthful babies and naive morons. Kind of handy that our title suggests that, I suppose.

So what are we going to write about today?!!? Stuff! Ho yes, you bet, we’re tackling THE big questions that have been contemplated over the years. Facts, concepts, ideas – we’re taking them all on with our particular brand of rampant stupidity. So buckle up, get frightened, and make haste to the very bestest ideas ever known to humanity!

Stuff Explained

If a tree falls over in a forest and no one is there, does it make a sound? – Now first of all, “does” what make a sound? The forest or the the “no one” who isn’t even there? Or the tree? For the sake of this belligerence we’re going to presume it’s the tree. So does it make a noise? Given the probability that there is highly likely going to be some woodland beast dwelling nearby to this stricken tree (at the very least a bird – these flying monsters can hear stuff, you know?) then the answer is yes – the tree makes a sound. It goes, “creeeeak! smassshhh!! basshhh crassshhHHHHHHH!!!!!” How unbelievably arrogant to presume that, just because a human isn’t around, the tree won’t make a noise. Sheesh.

More dogs kill humans each year than Great White Sharks do in a decade! – You can also substitute the dogs bit for toasters, or stairwells. The point of all this? Those who defend sharks eating sea dwelling humans with the stated observation. That isn’t logic, it’s drunken stupidity. Just what exactly is the ratio of time your average human spends around dogs compared to Great White Sharks? I’ve seen Jaws, that’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to one of those things, and I most certainly never would make a habit of being around them. Conversely, I’m around dogs often. And toasters. And I go down staircases all the time. Gee wizz, do you think it’s possible that dogs have more of a chance of killing us here at Professional Moron dot com? We live in Manchester! The only thing we get here are football riots, rioting chavs, rain, and kebabs. Nary a Great White Shark in sight!

Cheese Will Give You Nightmares – Nuclear Warheads give us nightmares. A slice of cheese before bed will not.

The Moon Is Made Of Cheese – Despite suggesting this was true in a previous post, it turns out the Moon is merely an immensely insipid ball of dust and rock. Dang.

I’m being Green, I’m not taking that flight! – Yeah? What an amazing human being you are! Your commitment to the environmental cause is quite staggering. Incidentally, that plane will still take off and make its journey regardless of you being on the flight or not. Duh!

Eggs Are Bad For You – Now if you drench these beauties in oil and fry them up of course they’re going to be bad for you! Don’t be so ruddy stupid and poach/scramble/consume them raw instead. If you roast a whole chicken in a litre of oil do you think that will be bad for you, too? And if you eat the fried skin, did you know that will make you uber slim? Facts.

Wasabi Is Mustard – This was just us being daft as in our stupid brains we actually thought it was mustard. It’s horseradish. Ho hum. Still, it’s damn nice with Sushi! Whoo!

Only Dorks Read Books – Now this is total nonsense as we all know someone who reads has an agile mind and is possibly even an intellectual with a great big enormous beard to prune whilst contemplating things. Take Karl Marx and that other bloke…. Father Christmas! Santa’s the type of bloke you’d expect to have read War and Peace or Moby Dick. Onwards, Rudolph! Not that his weekly column he writes for us would suggest that, actually. So we’ve just totally contradicted ourselves! Ho ho yo ho!

Never Eat Shredded Wheat – This saying came about during the early ’90s as a way for school kids to remember North East South Wasabi…. er, West.Now, hark! But what silly saying was this to use? Shredded Wheat is probably the only healthy cereal on the market – no added anything! So, irony of irony, that school kids would not want to eat sugar free blandness! Regardless, even now our very own Truman Trumanson still has no idea which way any direction ever is. How are you supposed to tell? And do we really need to know? Nope. Not unless you’re lost in the jungle, or something, but that’s unlikely to happen soon! So, fear yee not me-hearties! Eat Shredded Wheat!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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