Here at Professional Moron we don’t hold much respect outside of our office environment. We often have chavs throwing stuff at us, we get “disrespektid” by hipsters, and we almost certainly don’t fit into any “cool” camp. We have, however, observed others around us heading to their working environment. Or just bigging it up on a day off. And how stunning they all look. So, here it is, our official guide to pulling off the suave, sophisticated, hipster look. Bravo, we say! Bravo!
Also, on the right here is Marie Antoinette. She’s not really around anymore, but if we had our wicked way this is how we’d have fashion these days. For some reason we love the whole wig wearing, elaborate dresses and other such guff. Bring it on back!
Wear your pants like you can’t do them up properly. Like a true dumbo. – This bizarre fashion statement has united many cultural hipsters. The rap dudes, the indie boppers. What you have to do is not fasten your trousers (usually jeans) correctly, then strut about the place at an unusual angle with your underwear on show. Hot stuff!
Wear those weird, ultra tight emo pants! – Those horrendous emo pants look awful on pretty much everyone, but particularly on emaciated, underdeveloped emo kids whose spindly legs appear to somehow propel them up the street. But, if you want to be trendy, you have to wear them. Get them on.
Get a pointless tattoo! – They are all the rage these days, tattoos. We apologise…. body art! Some people seem particularly keen to get idiotic ones, or manage to spell them incorrectly. Heck, it’s all in the name of fashion. So, if you have £300 to waste get yourself one of these aimless things, and in 20 years when you’re starting to get wrinkly you’ll be mortified by what an idiot you look like.
Piercings. Anywhere! – Literally anywhere, there are no taboos with this anymore. You want a piercing through your forehead? You got it! It’s all the same in piercing world! Go the whole way and get one through your eyelid, or through a tooth. Breaking the piercing mould will earn you extra fashion kudos. Huzzah!
You could always dress like these guys on the left – And how ace would that be? Super ace!
Wear shirts with arbitrary numbers on them – Nothing says “I have a great personality” like a random number on your t-shirt. Get one with 69 on it to look risqué and witty! Oh you lovable rogue, you!
Wear too tight (around the midriff) pants – This only works if you’re blessed with a fabulous figure with virtually no body fat. And that won’t last forever. So, behave, and don’t commit this weird muffin top oddness. There’s nothing wrong with having curves, we at the Professional Moron office say, just don’t make them look like…. blurbs. If that makes sense.
Dye your hair – Wow, how incredibly wacky you are! You’ve dyed your hair orange!
Conclusion – So can we really get all judgemental here when we go around in conservative slacks looking like total dorks? Well at least we don’t draw in unnecessary attention to ourselves, or get on a narcissistic high believing we look like the bee’s knees. So, fashion morons, use your brains and don something less cool! It will make you look uncool, but then in turn that will make you unconformist and even cooler! Cool.