Okay! So it’s the Easter weekend and everyone is off for four days. Four. How unbelievably epic! The only way it could be better is if it had been 5. Or 6. But that’s missing the point – we’re happy with 4! So how to celebrate this unusual break from the capitalist regime? Cook! Cook meals of grandeur beyond any possible belief system that humanity has ever created. And by this we at Professional Moron are not suggesting some sort of Orwellian dystopia where all is unusual and unwell – we’re on about having a nice time. So don thy cooking mitts, aprons, and hasten away from your microwave. It’s time to cook a proper meal!
10 – Haggis – For this you’re going to need a sheep. How you go about this is best left up to you – mum’s the word we will not tell. Then you have to go to www.haggis.com and they will tell you the rest.
9 – Haggis and Marmite Soup – Following on from the haggis bit, but with marmite. And as a soup.
8 – Jam Sandwiches – Well what can you say about jam? It’s, like, OMG, the best thing ever. And in a sandwich!?!?!? OMFG!
7 – Babybel Soup – Yeah, Babybels are great. We all can recall that idiotic advert and rejoice as we walk down the street. “Bah bah bah, bah BABYBEL!” Curse advertising. Curse advertisers – rot in the fires of hell you scum!
6 – Toast – Well you put bread in the toaster and it comes up as toast. A bit of a cop out this one, we agree, but then… so was Watergate. And, you know, Tony Blair. Just look at his ears. Bastard!
5 – Pot Noodle Sandwich – We are actually going to perform this at some point. It’s fairly simple. Ingredients: 1 Pot Noodle, 1 Baguette. Obviously after the Pot Noodle has cooked you drain the fluid, and then add the mess to the baguette.
4 – Figs – Now Mr. Wapojif used to love fig biscuits as a child. He really did adore those damn things. It’s only as an adult that he’s realised how crap figs are, but nostalgia has it’s wicked way with us all. He eats seventeen of them daily!
3 – A Giant Bag of Spinach – Run out of ideas, Professional Moron? Nonsense! We have notions in abundance! Spinach is glory! Just don’t eat too much as you’ll end up with gout.
2 – Ham – Alright, this was a bad idea. Ham’s naff at the best of time. Even if you spread marmite all over it.
1 – Spam – Oh, man. We’ve hit a new low. The best thing about your Easter weekend, four days off, is spam? Dang. Not good. At least it’s cheap.