Why Skinny Jeans Are Idiotic

Skinny jeans, as worn by today’s yoof.

Right, anyone who knows Mr. Wapojif in reality also knows how much he despises skinny jeans. They are the curse of the fashion world; they turn all forms of people into idiotic skeletons. In a Western world so infatuated with looks, aesthetic pleasantry, and perfection, why on Earth do folk insist on wearing these things? Seeing your spindly lower legs propelling you up a road is really not very attractive. In fact, it defies logic!

Now perhaps it is this enforcement of emaciation which makes the things so desirable. The West is also so obsessive about maintaining a slim waistline its citizens, perhaps, are keen to make their lower body look disproportionate to the rest of them. Lower legs (just above the ankle region) are not the most attractive body part anyway (let’s face it, no one has a poster of Brad Pitt’s hairy shins on their wall), but to highlight how ridiculously skinny you are is just silly. Along with fake tan and overdoing it on the makeup stakes, skinny jeans are up there in the World’s Worst Fashion Mistakes handbook (which Mr. Wapojif co-authored). So why are they stupid? Read on for more vitriolic hating!

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We’re not claiming here at Professional Moron that we have an amazing dress sense. We tend to wear our clothes until they implode on us, then we buy a couple more tops until they call it a day, too. It’s a cost effective strategy and one, when managed properly, keeps one looking reasonably smart and “with it” as far as trends go. HOWEVER! What we will never do is have a pair of jeans that wrap so tightly around our shins we look like Mick Jagger’s offspring. Let’s face it, The Rolling Stones are officially the skinniest band in the history of time. No matter what they do they don’t gain a single pound; it’s as if they’ve been dumped on Earth by aliens from a planet whose occupants have understood the science behind remaining perpetually thin. Yet, as we have already discussed, to be forever rakishly thin is not exactly healthy or attractive. Mind you, Keith Richards has hardly proven himself to be mortal. Nothing can kill that guy.

The Rolling *giggle snort guffaw*… Bones!

Anyway, we’ve been sidetracked. Skinny Jeans. 20 years ago there was a baggy revolution and everyone began wearing incredibly loose clothing. Stylised versions of flares came back, and everyone walked around as if a morbid obesity purge had occurred and everyone had gotten themselves super thing. Now it’s as if a super thin generation of Emo kids has filled out and, much like the Hulk, are threatening to go psycho on us all. This further enhances the stupidity of skinny jeans and, to hammer home the point, here are some terrifying facts about the long term effects of wearing these vile fashion accessories:

1 – Wearing skinny jeans cuts the circulation of blood off from your lower extremities. Prolonged wearing will, as a consequence, crush your limbs. Eventually your feet will swell to gargantuan Michelin Man size and your head will balloon and turn bright red from blood pressure.

2 – Skinny Jeans were invented by Genghis Khan in the summer of a thousand years ago. He was, allegedly, fed up of looking like a normal Mongolian. He really wanted to look super pretty and slim so he fashioned them out of the corpses of his rotting enemies and won Fashion Icon of the Year in the Daily Mongol.

3 – John Lennon and Elvis Presley lead numerous anti-skinny jean campaigns during the 1960s and ’70s. Elvis, famously had this to say, “Ah-huh-huh… don’t wear skinny jeans, kids. They’ll kill you good. A-thank-you-very-much!”, whilst Lennon added, “I hate skinny jeans.”

4 – George W. Bush liked to wear the fashion disaster in his spare time. Other celebrities also enjoy strutting their stuff in them; Brad Pitt, Margaret Thatcher, Nelson Mandela, and Philip-Seymour Hoffman.

5 – It has been scientifically proven that wearing skinny jeans over long periods of time reduces your ability to tell if your nostrils are clogged with snot or not. It has been revealed the tightening of the extremeties forces nostril hair to grow rapidly, leading wearers to resemble cavemen and other nostril hair growers, whilst all around them suffer in despair due to the passed on germs. Egads, Stuart, it’s worse than we thought!

So, remember kids, skinny jeans are stupid! Don’t wear them. Ever.

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