Continuing our Diamond Jubilee celebration we at Professional Moron have decided to have a look at just what it takes to be a certified 100% True Brit (that’s a play on the film True Grit, if you’re wondering. True Grit was very overrated, incidentally. We didn’t rate that film much, and Mr. Wapojif is a big Coen Brothers fan, too, so it was a double shock for him). It’s also the London Olympics shortly, so we thought we’d spell it out to the watching world just what we’re actually like. Do you all think we’re bowler hat wearing, tea sipping, poshos who live in mansions and dip our hats to strangers with a courteous “Good day, sir!”, before with a flourish opening a door for a pretty British lady who promptly grins and displays a single row of rotting, distended, gnarled teeth? Well you’re kind of off the mark, you know? Well, you don’t, so we’re going to tell you what it’s like in England.
So, here we go then, sit back, relax, and use your eyeballs to glean information from the content below this opening statement. Onwards, comrade!
1. Fish and Chips – British people get hungry a lot and, seeing as we don’t actually have much variation in food, the only available option is Fish and Chips. We eat this meal 24/7 as our Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. The only time we don’t eat Fish and Chips is when it’s a special occasion, at which point we will heartily consume the most unhealthy, artery clogging Full English Breakfast ever devised.
2. Pavements – No, Americans, we don’t say “sidewalk”! Shock horror! Over here what you walk on to make sure you don’t get run over is called a pavement. Pavements are great because, should you trip over them, you can sue your local council for a few spare grand. Some Brits make excellent careers out of falling over dodgy pavements in their community – these people are known as Troglodytes.
3. Eccentricity – If you mean eccentric in the, “blindly following the example set by other nations and doing whatever the media tells us to do”, then you’ve summed up British eccentricity well! We’re apparently a nation of mild oddballs, this notion perhaps brought about by our comedy (Monty Python, Eddie Izzard), and the anachronistic generalisations and stereotypes which flap about the place, such as Brits being posh. Come and hang out in Moss Side with the chavs for 30 minutes, or take a trip through Peckham, and see if you still think this is the case! It’s not pretty, as displayed by the nationwide English riots in 2011. That’s why these guys (known as policemen) are regularly needed.
4. Troglodytes – Also known as Chavs. These cretinous morons populate all the major cities and towns of England and are characterised by; very low intelligence, an inability to understand English, belligerence, a superiority complex, racism, homophobia, staggering ignorance, and terrible dress sense. Usual hobbies include rioting, mugging and/or terrorising innocent people, general theft, carrying knives, listening to dreadful music, eating at McDonalds, drinking cider, hanging around street corners/newsagents with hoods up, profanity, and generally being totally loathable plebs.
5. Drunk – “Being drunk is a national characteristic!” roared somebody recently. Brits are regularly reminded we’re drinking too much but, frankly, we’re too drunk to notice/understand/care.
Most nights tend to start off very merrily with some genuinely witty, enjoyable banter. Then as everyone gets increasingly drunk it all goes out of the window. There are “bitch fights”, bouts of vomiting, “alpha male” moments (“That guy just gave me a funny look!!!!”), a complete lack of memory of everything, and eventually passing out wherever you possibly can. It’s all the absolute height of sophistication, of course.