Holy cow, it’s the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee next week! By ‘eck, maam, that means you’ve been on the throne for around seventy BILLION years! Hurr hurr hurr! Good age related joke, eh? Mega. Anyway, it is next week (honest, we’re not making this up) and there have been strange, patriotic British styled food stuffs and paraphernalia turning up in supermarkets in preparation. Now a large proportion of English folk do care dearly about this, and blindly follow the Royal family regardless of anything. There is also a large proportion of the English population who not only do not care, but would actively like to see the abolition of the monarchy. How can we put that more politely? A cessation of a monarch rule? Er…. we want the monarchy system gone bye bye, like the Dodo. This anachronistic way of life is increasingly idiotic and, during the time of mass unemployment and an economic crisis, seeing one pampered billionaire get mindlessly worshipped isn’t going to improve things.
Regardless of our wittering this thing is going to go ahead. So, seeing as we’re going to be forced to sulk through it, what would we like to see at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee?
1. A Dodo – They’ve been extinct for a while now, but we’d really love it if it suddenly turned out that the Queen had been putting public taxes to good use in bringing back this long extinct bird of non-prey. Dodos strike us as fun, lazy animals that would probably have made a sort of, “Globbobobobobob!” noise when flustered. The type of beast you could hang around with and feel at peace. And, you know, if you suddenly got hungry they probably tasted great, too! Interesting fact – they stood at around 3.3ft tall. Man alive, Dodos must have been officially “Well Ace”!
2. Instructional Pamphlets About Fixing Stuff– Being largely idiotic proletariats we do need to be told how to fix, and generally do, stuff. Like back in the ’40s when bizarre instructional videos were released by the government in that contrived, wooden renounced pronunciation way of speaking that is, these days, reserved for very posh people and BBC news readers. I say!
It would also be handy to be able to fix more things around the household, such as; that strange black mark going down the wall under our bathroom sink. We think it’s being caused by the need for caulking on the actual sink, but as the basin is quite small, and we’re messy blokes in general, the water sploshes down the gap and dribbles through to the floor below. Nasty. With a bit of caulking wizardry over the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee weekend all will be well in the Professional Moron bathroom!
3. Lots of haggis – “Why?” I hear you asking/thinking/proclaiming. What’s wrong with haggis? It’s only the heart, lungs, liver, spleen, ear lobes, toe nail clippings, yoghurt pots, babybel cheese, mouldy old sandwiches, spinach and turmeric boiled in a sheep’s stomach. Plenty healthy. There is a vegetarian option; marmite. On bread. The bread is optional. Anyone not keen on the bread idea can simply eat the marmite out of the jar with a finger or a plastic knife.
4. Yodeling– I say, there is nothing more quintessentially British than yodeling! In fact, at Professional Moron we believe we should combine all manner of cultural hallmarks into this one event. All the men should be made to wear kilts and Morris Dance everywhere (preferably on or around Morris Minor cars), all the women must clap and yodel arbitrarily at staggering volume, and children must scream and wail in the familiar way most citizens deal with on a day to day basis. Phew, that was one almighty sentence. To celebrate surviving it, having a bit of a yodel to relax you out. Oh, right, yodeling isn’t relaxing at all really, is it? It’s more, sort of, a mixture of bemusement and alarm. Hmpphhh.
5. Boris Johnson – Now no event can be complete, especially in London, without Boris Johnson (our bumbling, otherwordly Mayor of London) doing his special brand of thing. We have high hopes that at this event he’ll parade around extremely drunk on champagne and attempt to make the Queen dance. Now, let’s face it, the only thing the Queen will be doing at this event is grinning inanely, waving at her loyal subjects, and maybe vomiting copiously if she knocks back too much champagne. Other than that everyone will be busy making sure the Duke of Edinburgh doesn’t make any sexist/racist/xenophobic/homophobic/hegemonic/demonic/anti-semetic/anarchic/existential/Freudian/Unilateral/communist/neo-marxist remarks than to see the Queen do a mild jig. Boris can lead the way!