The Many and Varied Types of Twitter Users Explained

A smartphone with the Twitter icon and the world map behind it
Twitter!

Right, our WordPress account is giving us all sorts of grief at the moment and we don’t know why.

Currently the moronic thing refuses to let us alter the size of pictures when we insert them onto the page.

We’re getting very annoyed with it (our very own Truman Trumanson has been reduced to tears already) and I have punched one of our laptops to death.

The great big, insanely witty intro we had written has just been eradicated from time and, in the great tradition of “I’ve had a day at work and now I just want to slam out”, we’re not re-writing it. Ho ho ho, Merry New June!

Types of Twitter Users

We’re not big social media fans, but we have come up with a few ideas. Such as 6 Twitter accounts to follow. They’re good ones.

So what’s this post about? Well, we’ve become quite fond of Twitter since we started using it back in January of 2012.

We’ve never been fond of Facebook with its fractious, attention seeking morons, but Twitter does allow room for fun and games.

Hurrah, we say, hurrah. Yet even Twitter can revert to stereotypical human behaviour. Here are some of the common traits we have noticed.

The quirky morons

Yes, we can self-mock and self-deprecate. Twitter is crammed full of folk attempting to be eccentric and we’re just as guilty as the next donkey. The difference between us and the others? We genuinely are quite borderline insane!

The pious

“I love Jesus!” quite a lot of people confidently announce. The problem with making political or religious statements in your brief bio is that it alienates you from large sectors of Twitter.

Long ago, our Professional Moron Twitter account (@CreativeMoron—some idiotic moron had stolen @ProfessionalMoron).

Sort of, anyway, as the full title is too large and has to be condensed to @ProfMoron) decided against making any sort of statement in this regard. We do not judge others and we only expect to be judged as morons. A-thank-you-very-much.

Softbois

Okay, so softbois are everywhere and the male movement to try and combat fuckboys. Rather poorly. Watch out for them. They like Tame Impala.

The macho pride brigade

Those blokes who pose topless in their bio pictures. What it actually means is, “Substandard personality must expose muscles to make up for lack of intelligence/charisma/charm.”

The “cute” user

“It’s nice to tweet you!” This saying has suddenly emerged over the last few weeks, but frankly its practitioners deserve to be force fed cheese until they have a horrendous nightmare about a huge vat of cheese sinking the modern-day equivalent of the Titanic.

The expert

“SEO/CEO/Business EXPERT!” That’s right, the all loving and all-proud-of-one’s-abilities resident experts of Twitter.

The thing is a lot of them don’t actually seem to offer any good advice. “Read this article on how to deal with customers!” they could Tweet, “Point 1 – Never punch a customer violently in the face for no apparent reason.” Indeed.

Delusions of coolness through profanity

I don’t give a fuck, I say what I want and if you don’t like that get the fuck out of here!” Outstanding, sir! Thank you for the insight into your ridiculous brain.

The Justin Bieber Brigade

Yes, fine, you like the guy. Please do not force this down other people’s throats. Others actually have decent taste in music (this is satchels at dawn time). A lot of this lot describe themselves as “Beliebers”. Vomit.

What exactly is there to believe? This mop haired goon will be forgotten in a few years and will be a distant memory to look back on and wonder how it all happened. Either that or he’ll become Supreme Ruler of Earth.

The doting father

“Husband. Father to 13.” Good for you! That’s great information. Perhaps we’re being cynical as we don’t have children.

Maybe we’re bitter. Maybe we’re just not bothered about how many kids someone we don’t know has.

Mr or Miss Illiterate

This account will feature a mass of youth slang and cool speak, which is largely impenetrable for most people. Such as:

"Yeh am me but den wen u fink bowt it ders like deez fings innit but 2 b wid me ya knead 2 git wid da thymes blud innit"

Attempts at self-deprecation when actually seeking attention

Humble bragging, basically. A verbose way to write something which could have been summed up as “teen angst”, but some folk take to writing in their bios, “I’m no one. Follow me or not it doesn’t change anything.”

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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