With the idiocy of the London Olympics just round the corner we at Professional Moron have been in a competitive mood. Even our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster has been racing up and down the office at speed in her sphere! She doesn’t even stop for obstacles in her way, wildly bouncing off stuff as she shaves tenths off her fastest 1 metre sprint! It’s such a joy to behold, her commitment and drive, that many of us in the office weep uncontrollably in sheer joy! Now watching a bunch of late twenty-somethings bawling their eyes out may not strike you as an inspiring scene, but you had better get used to it! London 2012 in itself is the possibility to set new records with uncontrollable weeping! Even those who come in dead last have been observed to practice their “I was in it for the taking part!” tears of joy daily. By jove, we’re glad we’re not going to be watching any of this event on TV!
Enough of that! More of this! If you’re bored of the Olympics already then why snot (yes, snot, that’s not a typo) have a go at getting a personal World Record acknowledged this summer? To help you on your way we have come up with 5 (five) possible World Record attempts to attempt. Steel yourselves, mortals, for it takes a human with a steady nerve to partake in this variety of mortifying mortification! Onward!
1. Build A Moving Castle! In Howl’s Moving Castle (one of Studio Ghibli’s more underrated titles) the anti-hero and generally enigmatic weirdo Howl lives in a moving castle. Kind of guessed that from the title, right? Well just imagine (and this is one John Lennon missed) LIVING in a moving castle? We’d bet this would set some sort of World Record. It would be terrific; terrifying locals as you crusade around the Earth handing out leaflets about a utopian society of giant moving castles! This future world would be called Moving Castle World. Anyone who has an issue with it would be blasted into the Sun! Mwahahahah!
2. Build A Cement Monster – Cement doesn’t get in the news enough. It’s the only reason we all live in houses – without it we’d be either living in ditches covered in mud, in mud huts, or in caves with mud as carpet. Thanks to cement we can live in plush surroundings with electric toothbrushes, hair dryers, and electric cookers. Or is that thanks to electricity? Regardless, the cement helps. Anyway! Cement should be used to make better stuff, such as constructing a terrifying 50ft MONSTER! World Records achieved? Huzzah!
3. Invade Your Nearby Village With A Toothbrush – We’re not sure if this would make a World Record, perhaps for “Stupidist Invasion Ever”. On the very basis of this it would be well worth a shot! So, hasten to your nearest toothbrush, seize it fervently, and tear out into the night braying like a maniac! Of course this could result in an immediate arrrest and a sentence to jail time or community service, but if you could bag the World Record would that really be so bad? We’re saying “no”, but you may disagree. Fools.
4. Brush Your Teeth For 17 Consecutive Hours – You had better like mint as this one is going to run for 17 hours. Brushing your teeth is a bit of a chore at the best of times. We’d much prefer it if we had a mouthful of rotting tooth dudes. We’d leave them all under our pillow at night and the Tooth Fairy would probably leave us a tenner. Totally worth it, guy! Anyway, as for this World Record attempt you’re probably going to need a bucket and tissue to stop the ceaseless flow of blood once your gums give in. Never fear, the fame will be worth the staggering agony.
5. Bake A Really Massive Cake – You would be hard pushed to find somebody who hates cake. It’s one of those items which unites the world over – much like soup and candy floss. You can do lots of stuff with cake, too. You can even put carrots in it! To celebrate this creativeness a World Record attempt at baking the most massive cake ever is a very commendable goal. And why snot? We’re not talking, say, 20ft or something. We’re on about a 300-by-300ft monster that needs to be moved by several cranes! Marie Antoinette would certainly have dug this cake! We’d name it; “The Moderately Sized Cake”. Irony, you see.