Hate Mail: Our Very First Bit of Online Abuse!

An ominous looking individual on a laptop screen

Having received our first piece of hate mail we at Professional Moron thought we should celebrate. Prometheus isn’t 1/5 (as in stars) dreadful, it’s just very mediocre indeed.

It scrapes a 3/5 and will disappear into the midst of time much like cheese flavoured ice cream, “authentic” organic honey with dead bees in the jar, Marmite and bovril soup, and Cheese and Chalk Crisps.

The latter were particularly nasty. Eating cheese and chalk is much like watching Prometheus—firstly you begin to get nauseous, then you may vomit everywhere, and lastly you might get kicked out of the cinema as your snoring commences. We jest, of course, the film wasn’t THAT bad.

Dealing With Hate Mail

So, what ho jeeves, let’s have a look at the verbatim negative feedback from the most excellently named “I Diot” from our deadly serious ramble What Could Have Made Prometheus A Good Film?:

“Dear Moron, What could have made Prometheus a good film? Firstly, the viewer having an education. Some semblance of intelligence would help appreciate this masterpiece of science fiction. In fact, this is the best film I’ve ever seen so I don’t know what you were watching.”

We were watching Prometheus, dear. And it wasn’t very good. If it’s a masterpiece then Boris Johnson is the world’s most profound genius and pigs can ingest whales to form a hybrid creature named Steve.

This beast would be capable of bringing about the destruction of humanity in one devious swoop! Cripes!

Anyway, seeing as we are in need of further education we thought we’d have a  wonder about what it would be like to return to university to study again.

Obviously we’d have to order a liver transplant as all our staff (except the office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster) are heading towards the fine age of 30.

And we very much doubt our bodies could cope with the rigours of the student lifestyle again. This typically involves the following:

  • Eating beans on toast at least thirteen days in a row for breakfast, dinner, and lunch.
  • Drinking a huge amount of cheap alcohol.
  • Stealing as many traffic cones as possible.
  • Arguing relentlessly with girlfriend/boyfriend/prissy housemates.

Of course, naturally, we’d also have to study something. We like the idea of taking up knitting, or cookery.

We’d love to be a chef like that bald one (Heston Blumenthal) who makes the weird meals in The Fat Duck. Snail porridge etc.

We’d certainly write up a fantastic dissertation on some of the weird and wonderful foods that could be invented!

However, we’re not chefs. We are morons. So here, to end our piece, are three courses that, like, totally should be available to study.

1. BA in Being Able To Tell A Person’s Name By Their Haircut

Also available as a Joint Honours degree with Understanding Different Body Odour Issues, the theory to the former was postulated by our very own Mr. Wapojif.

It goes thusly—you can tell, with learned discipline, what someone’s name is by their haircut alone. It would be a three year course culminating with a 300,000 word dissertation on mullets.

2. BA in Nose Pickage

Is or is not there a profound reason for human beings picking their nostrils seemingly arbitrarily?

This seven year course would delve deep into the psyche of human nature and discover the truth about why stuff just has to be dislodged from up there.

Popular careers following successful graduation include; public speaking (typically with a microphone around Oxford Circus amongst the oblivious, milling Londoners), unemployment, and stacking shelves.

3. MA in Discovering Why Orange Juice Tastes So Weird After You Brush Your Teeth

It’s a dilemma which befuddled Albert Einstein. It has started and ended wars, plagues, and hegemonic belligerence.

And, yet, it remains a mystery. An enigma. An incomprehensible disease afflicting the helpless, the frightened, and the meek. Just why does orange juice taste bad after you brush your teeth?

This three-week course delves deep into the understanding of what toothpaste actually is (it’s a type of paste), whether different toothbrushes could assuage this most heinous of issues, or if drinking the orange juice BEFORE you brush your teeth is the solution to humankind’s greatest known killer.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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