Is Your Husband an Alien?

A gay married couple holding hands in a meadow
“You sure you’re not from outer space, mate?”

Men can be confusing beasts at the best and worst of times, Professional Moron heartily admits this.

We’re all men in the office (apart from our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster) and yet we all confuse each other regularly with our bodily functions, confused bickering, weird habits, and overall stupidity.

How to Tell If Your Husband is Real

Many a time have I found myself thinking, “I do believe my colleagues could well be martians from out of space. I believe I can prove this.”

Using scientific techniques beyond even Einstein’s genius we have sculpted a theory of remarkable dumbness. It goes beyond genius into profound stupidity. We’re rather proud of it.

Whilst you prepare to check to see if your spouse/boyfriend is from Outer Space, do remember that these are not mere confabulations from the brains of potentially emotionally wayward oddballs.

No. This theory will define human existence for the next millennia and beyond!

Does your husband have a habit of mumbling, “E.T. phone home” in an enigmatic, slightly annoying manner? If so he’s probably not an alien, he’s likely just quoting from the film E.T.

Either that or E.T. is your husband. This is under the presumption that E.T. is a bloke, and we’re going to make the assumption he is indeed. Either way having E.T. as a husband would be pretty good fun.

The media attention would bring it some welcome extra money, the downside, naturally, is that your children would resemble something very odd indeed.

We can’t really speculate what exactly—maybe a bit like Rasputin. Who knows? He’d certainly be better than dating that facehugger thing off Alien.

Anyway, asides from E.T. what could prove YOUR husband is actually an alien from the planet of Strangely Elongated Things (it’s next to Pluto)?

There are some simple pointers which you should consider, such as: Does your husband look like a slobbering alien? If he does then he is more than likely from Outer Space, or he’s an extra in some sci-fi film.

Do make sure you ask him to confirm the truth, otherwise “date night” cooking could end up a bit embarrassing.

Remember, even if your husband is an alien he still has feelings, even if he likes to spend his evenings hanging upside down from the living room ceiling.

This may annoy you, and make your ceiling mucky, but you have to respect his personal space.

To recap; if your man looks like E.T. or any other stereotypical alien—he probably is from Outer Space. If he hangs upside down from stuff then he’s also probably an alien. Any other pointers, Professional Moron?

Super powers tend to be common traits. If your husband suddenly starts arbitrarily flying instead of walking about, or if he takes on sudden, misanthropic behaviour then he’s either a sociopath, a psychopath, or an alien.

Maybe even all three! Also, if your husband begins conversing in any non-Earth related languages then he’s perhaps not from Earth.

If he also often relates how he’d like to travel into space then this is an indicator he misses his home planet.

To keep him from fleeing your home nest it’s best you sellotape him to some area in your house and make him watch BBC’s Planet Earth series.

This will make him realise why staying on Earth would be in his best interests.

As a consequence you can continue living a fulfilled, merry life, and also prevent the total destruction of planet Earth.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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