Emergency Products: There Many & Varied Uses

“That’s Mr. Crash Test Dummy to you, sir!”

On the tram back home last night (yes, the very same tram that breaks down with such regularity that the whole service should be named “Trap”. As in it’s a hellish trap for anyone wanting to not lose hours of their life) we noticed an “Emergency Ladder” sign obviously installed for safety/emergency/jam eating reasons. This got us thunking. So we thunked; “What else could be useful for emergencies?” as, let’s face it, we all love a good emergency. Not many people would actually admit this mildly misanthropic, existential morbidity as, frankly, it goes beyond what one would normally talk about in polite society. Yet, in our humble opinion, everyone’s a bit of a drama queen and we wouldn’t pay any attention to the news if it was all about; “Pet Kitten Wins Cuteness Award”, “Blue Peter Presenters Bake Another Cake”, “Elvis Found Alive And Well In Skegness!”, “The Queen Admits She Never Has To Use The Toilet Due To Divine Right”, “Global Warming Really Is Lovely!” etc.

The Emergency Ladder got us thinking about safety equipment in general. If you don’t live in Manchester and haven’t seen these trams we shall explain; a ladder isn’t really the best bet for survival if there is an issue on one of the things. It’s only a few feet off the floor and any able limbed individual would be able to assist someone less fortunate in no time. Anything more sudden (such as the tram falling over) would render the ladder superfluous as you’d already be on ground level anyway. So we have come up with a few suggestions that could revolutionise the safety equipment world!


Emergency Food Rations

We assure you this is Michelin starred.

People get pretty hungry at the best of times and, frankly, we can’t think of anything more terrifying than getting stuck somewhere with nothing to fend off those naughty hunger pangs. Innit. A lack of cheese, for instance, can bring about a calcium deficiency which can lead to scurvy and malaria. However, eat too much cheese and you will grow so morbidly obese that even moving becomes an impossible accomplishment. As a result it is advised human beings eat no more than three times their body weight of cheese a day. This is just about acceptable for any emergency situation.

Other emergency foods we think would be handy: sardines, jam, pot noodles, fresh sushi, caviar, crisps (for the chavs), marmite, cabbage, and packeted mashed potato.

Emergency Makeup

That’s, like, o… m… g…

The chances are, if you’re in an emergency, the world’s media will descend on the situation before the event is even over. Obviously with contemporary life so fervently keen on image perfection you’re going to need to look fabulous. An Emergency Makeup holder would save many disasters such as mascara smudge, a failure in lipstick alignment, a lack of eye shadow for the drama of the moment, and you’ll need to blush those cheeks up to hide the odd shrapnel wound and/or seeping, agonising gash.

Emergency Fashion Supplies

OMG! These should be mandatory on all public transport!

If your face is going to look fabulous then so must the rest of you! That’s why, should the bus you’re on suddenly be engulfed in flames and you need some spare clothes, some emergency clothes could save the day. Naturally high heels are a must in this situation, as would be a short skirt, or hot pants and tights combination. It will be quite warm, you see. Perhaps on this basis a flowing dress would be in order?

For the men, obviously a trendy pair of flip flops and those moronic short trousers that show your knobbly knees. We don’t like these but we can appreciate, in the drama of the moment, they may be necessary. To round the whole enterprise off wear a t-shirt with a number on it (“69” if possible, then The Sun might include your picture!) some shades, and a can of Fosters.

Emergency Mobile Phone


In the event of a life threatening disaster it’s always good to be able to let your Twitter followers know how you’re getting on. Tweets such as, “ARRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! #Terror”, “OMFG! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! #Death #DoesGodExist”, “I CAN’T STOP THE BLEEDING! #BasicMedicalAssistance” and “WHY IS MY LEG POINTING IN THAT DIRECTION? #AdvancedMedicalAssistance” would be greatly appreciated by your followers and, perhaps, even retweeted.

You could also update your status on Facebook; “omg your neva gonna b abul 2 gues we’re eye am!! LOL!” or use your impending demise to inform some of your friends what you truly think about them; “Ste I know I said I fancied you but I never did really I think you stink and your beard is stupid!” or perhaps, “Babes i no we had some gud thymes but i we’re really pretendin n am actually gay n sleepin wiv Ste.”

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