The Best Jobs That Don’t Exist

Even in the olden days everyone had to work, as this art thing showcases.
Even in the olden days everyone had to work, as this art thing showcases.

Employment, eh? It’s sort of like doing stuff that doesn’t really make much sense and yet you get paid for it. Probably around 99% of the world’s population does a job they don’t enjoy. This isn’t very good, but in Magic Escapism World you can be whatever you want to be! On this notion Professional Moron got deep down and funky and thunked up some brilliant jobs which, sadly (not that we know of, anyway) are spurious and beyond the realms of fathomability. The type of job that would make you all giddy at the prospect of doing and, once in work, would make you laugh hysterically all day, every day until you received a warning for superfluous noise pollution. Quite.

So, hike up your socks, put on your kagool and do the Stupidity Dance as here is a list of jobs that really should exist but probably don’t. Be warned; this list could alter the very fabric of reality so you should also don your This Is Reality hat to avoid any Inception style confusion. Read on, Macduff!

———————-

Human Cockerel

Squawk.
Squawk.

Anyone who has seen Babe knows that a duck takes it upon itself, to save its hide from Christmas dinner lady, to be the alarm calling cockerel for the farmer. Alarms are quite expensive and drain electricity, why not have unemployed people act as a human cockerel? It would be great, “Human cockerel please wake me up at 6am SHARP!” Human cockerel would then stand in the corner of your room and, come 6am, bork in a shrill manner until you’re awake.

Reality Checker

What IS?
What IS?

There have been lots of “what is reality” type questions  from films of late, and plenty of theories over the years. This has perhaps been brought about by the existential movement over the last 100 years. Most recently films like Inception, Blade Runner and The Matrix have made us all go, “Huh…” with regard to life and whether THIS right here is actual actuality or maybe we’re just here due to massive aliens. As Prometheus would have us believe. Anyway, there are lots of confused people out there so as Reality Checker it would be your job to go around with “This Is Reality” hats for people to wear and feel all secure. The hats are kind of like what those English guards wear outside Buckingham Palace. Except in pink.

Pot Noodle Investigator

These things are noddles.
These things are noddles.

Being a PNI would bring with it a huge batch of responsibilities. Firstly you have a warrant to search anyone’s house at whatever time of day to make sure their Pot Noodles are in good working order. You have with you a slave of your choice to taste test Pot Noodles to see if they have been poisoned by heretic maniacs determined to besmirch the good name of Pot Noodles. You also carry with you a stun gun, 303lbs of semtex, and a homing beacon for the mothership; the Pot Noodle headquarters. Pay is 4p an hour.

Village Idiot

We are the height of online stupidity.
We are the height of online stupidity.

It would actually be really great to be a Village Idiot. Imagine the stuff you could get up to! You could run naked down the street screaming and people would chortle merrily and comment, “Hah! There goes our lovable village idiot!”. It’s a role that has been around since late Antiquity and the early Middle Ages, so it’s been around for a few thousand years but appears to have fallen out of fashion lately. So much so it no longer exists. So it’s time to bring it on back! If you think you could be YOUR village/town/city idiot then strip off naked, cover yourself in spam and run down your nearest highstreet!

Duck Warden

Guard those ducks, man!
Guard those ducks, man!

Ducks and geese are really cool but they’re just left to waddle, and swim, about unprotected. Assigning a Duck Warden 24/7 would be a sure fire way to stop duck theft. Figures from 2011 show that at least 3 ducks were stolen from around British ponds, quays, rivers, and lakes. This is an unacceptable figure. Duck Wardens, therefore, must be sharp eyed, keen witted, and extremely violent when needs be. For the ducks, James? Quack!

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