After numerous dismayed messages following yesterday’s post on British polemics (the Professional Moron political movement), Mr. Wapojif has been asked by us to explain his political concept, Mapitalism, in greater detail.
Mapitalism: Our New Economic Theory
He did not desist from this activity and, literally, superglued himself to his chair in order to scribble out his manifesto in super-fast time before work.
He then had the distinct problem of removing himself from his chair which, of course, he was not very much indeed stuck to.
Cursing like a caged animal, he began to thrash wildly about. Only a violent blow to his head with a fire extinguisher silenced his manic braying.
Unfortunately, the blow resulted in a skull fracture, and Mr. Wapojif required a hospital visit. It is quite something to see an ambulance crew hoik a morbidly obese individual, stuck fast to a chair, out of an apartment block.
Whilst Mr. Wapojif recovers we include below what he wrote before he was forced into unconsciousness. Enjoy!
“I, Mr. Wapojif, would like to pinpoint the exact causality and pertinence of Mapitalism. It is a political agenda like no other ever before seen in history. Well, I lie, it’s kind of like Capitalism and Marxism, but with a greater sense of unity and cheese. I would also like to stress we don’t condone political violence or dissent or moderation on any uneven terms. What I mean by this is, in theory, if one were to understand Mapitalism to its fullest, you would not be able to comprehend your existence in an autocratic society. Sedition would ensue. Therefore it is best all citizens remain subordinate to the mighty Mr. Wapojif, and remember to eat your vegetables.”
Mr. Wapojif goes on to highlight the issues he believes are present in Britain today. Including:
- Chewing gum on public transport will be banned immediately. As a misophonia sufferer, this annoys him greatly.
- No eating apples at work.
- Every first Wednesday of each month will be national haddock day. Every citizen over the age of 18 will enjoy a haddock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Drinks must be made out of 71% haddock. There will be a one-minute silence at midday in memory of all the haddocks who have died over the last four thousand years.
- Rap, Hip Hop, R’n’B and dance music will be banned outright. Anyone caught listening to it will be fired from a cannon into the scum-filled River Thames. You have been warned.
- Cheese will be more readily available for underprivileged mice.
- The media will not be able to use any sensationalist headlines, except anything concerning the film Howard the Duck.
- Cheryl Tweedy, for being relentlessly spurious, irritating, and a very poor role model for girls, will be forced to write 500,000 lines on the world’s largest ever chalkboard. This will be erected (what?) in Piccadilly Circus (that’s London, y’all). Onlookers will be encouraged to pelt her with rotten eggs and vegetables until she is finished. The lines she will spend months scrawling out 20/7 will read; “I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, should be less narcissistic!” Even a single grammatical or diction error will require an immediate restart on the 500,000 lines.
- “Horsey Women” (women who take a bizarre interest in panicky, annoying horses) are to be banned outright. As are “Blokey Blokes” and the ladism culture. For England, James?
- Teenage girls are to be banned from using the following phrases and words; “Oh my god!”, “like”, “Oh my god, like, he’s so fit!”, and, “Rhubarb”.
- Chavs are to be outlawed and sent to work in a giant hole 100ft under Devonshire. Their work? Peeling potatoes.
- No skinny jeans will be allowed. At all. And men with ponytails will be given a 30-minute ultimatum to remove the offending hair.
- All citizens will be forced to understand the differences between their, there, and they’re.
Written by the great mind of Mapitalism, Mr. Wapojif on 10/10/2012.
We hope Mr. Wapojif’s Mapitalism Manifesto explains everything you need to know. Any questions? Tough! Vote for us or lose our respect!