Sunday days are a bit weird. It’s almost the start of a new working week (unless you’re retired, unemployed, unemployable, work-shy, or dead) and one has to adjust to this concept.
You can’t do anything stupid on a Sunday in case it results in the week ahead being struck with some burden of horror.
Such as eating a bad oyster, eating a bad egg, punching a steroid-pumping bodybuilder, and eating several lots of haggis. All of these things should be avoided. Innit.
Alas, this restricts your Sunday (typically) to a day of pottering about doing nothing.
Maybe you’ll make a roast dinner, or take the dog for a walk, or meet a friend for a quiet lunch, or take in a film, or pick your nostrils… none of these are good enough!
Plans for a Lazy Sunday
So, here’s our plan to liven things up a bit! (NB: Please do not attempt any of the following ideas).
Feed Some Ducks
With Wholemeal bread, please. Go upmarket. What’s the point in feeding them super cheap, nasty white bread? All this will do is speed up their collective deaths.
Are you an animal hater? Thought not! So feed the ducks (and geese, we’re not prejudiced) wholemeal bread. Bray like a donkey whilst you do.
Extreme Nose Picking
Get your nose picking duties out of the way super early with an exploratory quest up your nostrils with your little finger.
Dislodge whatever you find underneath the surface of your face and, with luck, you will be snot-free for the rest of eternity. For England, James?
Walk into a quiet area and let rip with a pent-up sneeze to terrify everyone! HAHAHA! The great thing about sneezing is the overall confusion they create within your brain.
Your average person doesn’t really know why we sneeze, “Er… dust?”, and to know the truth is to commit yourself to a life of horror (it has something to do with the Ghost of Lenin).
Argue With a Friend In A Made Up Language
Alarm your neighbours/the public with an insane, unintelligible argument.
Of course, you’re just babbling nonsense, but the terrified public/neighbours would never know this! Awesome, right? Good old terror – it is Halloween after all!
Ask A Neighbour If You Can “Borrow” A Bag Of Sugar
Once a neighbour says you can, disappear for an hour and return with a bag of cement powder.
When they, confusedly, ask what’s just happened, reply that you needed the cement to fix your garden wall. If they start getting angry or hysterical at this point threaten to call the police.
Watch A Film At Extreme Volume
Another nuisance activity, stick a crap film on at full volume and wander off to somewhere quiet.
If the neighbours start complaining explain that you have lost your hearing; accuse them of being racist, homophobic, and hegemonic, then threaten to call the police.
Invite Your Friends Around For A Roast Dinner
And leave all the ingredients out in the kitchen. Once your friends arrive order them to make the food. If they try to leave threaten to set your dog on them.
If you don’t have a dog, find one and pretend it’s yours.
Ring For a Pizza
And ask for marmite and octopus toppings. When they point out this is not an option become outraged; eventually relent and demand a bowl of cornflakes.
Continue with more illogical suggestions until they hang up. Good ideas would be; custard, horseradish, mayonnaise, cement and rhubarb, and cat litter.
Cook Lots of Rice
Cook seventeen packets of rice and head around your neighbourhood offering the food as a goodwill gesture before, “The end of the world at the 2012/2013 crossover.
Just as the Mayans predicted. Have a good death!” If anyone becomes agitated about this offer to make a mayonnaise-based sauce for their rice.
If anyone becomes violent, threaten to take leave their property without giving them their share of the rice.
Invent Time Travel
You’ll need to watch The Time Machine for this! And maybe some others.
We watched Looper yesterday and the film suggested time travel, on its invention, would be immediately outlawed.
Why not skip to the beat and get on with creating time travel right now.
You’ll need a microwave, cheese, a bag of cement, cabbage, a copy of an Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking book, and a first aid kit.
You’re going to be getting angry and frustrated, so take your fury out on an object such as your kitchen wall, or your toilet. Bandage up any damage with your first aid kit.